a little sap never hurt anyone ...
watched the today show this morning and happened to catch a quick segment on how george bush is handling barbara bush's open heart surgery. was a very sweet clip - one moment he made jokes regarding her new pig heart valve and then moments later had to fight back tears. then the segment went into a bit on their love story. very sweet. my favorite part was a letter that he wrote to her on their 49th anniversary:
january 6 1994
for: barbara pierce
from: ghwb
will you marry me? oops, i forgot, you did that 49 years ago today! i was very happy on that day in 1945, but i am even happier today. you have given me joy that few men know. you have made our boys into men by bawling them out and then, right away, by loving them. you have helped doro be the sweetest greatest daughter in the whole wide world. i have climbed perhaps the highest mountain in the world, but even that can not hold a candle to being barbara's husband. mum used to tell me: "now george, don't walk ahead". little did she know i was only trying to keep up --- keep up with barbara pierce from onondaga street in rye, new york. i love you!
i am such a sucker for a sweet love story. even if it's the bushs ;)
nashville ranked "america's manliest city"
seriously??? i went to belmont. i disagree!
gallatin on the other hand. ;)
completely random ...
after 5 years at curb, i still have a desk in the hall. sad - but true. i'm usually not one to complain - in fact i probably am more aware of what's going on around the company than everyone else in the office. but there are a couple of things that get under my skin - ie. charles or benson clipping their finger nails while in the office.
and then today ...
i heard resonating through the halls the song "you really got a hold on me" by smokey robinson. and i immediately was 6 years old again. i don't remember much from my childhood - but i distinctively remember becoming claustrophobic to point it made me sick to my stomach watching this video.
HORRIFYING!
DETOX - day 2
good morning!
it's cleanse day 2 - and though i've only been up for an hour and 44 minutes - woah! my body is acting crazy!
here's what i'm seeing so far:
- i have had the worst sore throat i've had since i had my tonsils and adenoids removed back in 2000. even worse than when i had mono 2 years ago. so sore that i don't really feel like talking. (my co-workers and wade should be relieved.) and it's really difficult to swallow.
- i had a massage yesterday - and it was amazing. but i'm definitely achey today. a side effect of the massage or the cleanse or both?
- the cleanse II overnight colon cleanse WORKS. don't worry i won't go into detail. but the second i took the pills i could feel it working. saturday i up it to 2 pills at night. yeeks.
- one of the reasons i went on the cleanse was because i've been getting a fever and sweating through the night. well this has definitely increased - this morning i woke up soaking wet. not fun. sweating is definitely a way your body cleanses itself - so hopefully this is a good thing!
- so far i'm not seeing any of the side effects of withdrawal from the anxiety pill i was taking. which is awesome! before when i would accidentally miss a day - i would struggle with a killer headache - but so far nothing! i don't know if this is because i'm physically noticing some differences in my digestive system and that's distracting - or if the cleanse is helping to clean out with out the withdrawal symptoms - but YAY GOD!
okay those are my details - as PG as possible. we'll see how i get to feeling by day 30 - and if it works, you all can give it a go. (by the way, they say day 3 and 4 are the worst. i'll let you know tomorrow.)
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UPDATE:
stick to the diet. grr ... today i had soup and salad for lunch. soup and salad - nothing too crazy, right? well i was able to keep down the raw veggies and fruit i had for dinner last night. wish i could say the same about today's lunch. WFB - working from bathroom.
a little something to think about ...
my mum just sent me this from the Joyce Meyers book she's been reading ...
"Rather than trying to make someone treat you fairly, pray for them, and trust God to take care of you. You may pray in secret, with a tearstained face, but God will reward you in the open."
pretty powerful stuff. especially considering some of the stuff i've been dealing with at work. it's so easy for me to retaliate ... to defend myself when i've been wronged. plus - sometimes i'm not exactly right myself. what a difference it would make if it took it to God instead.
DETOX - day 1
remember back mid-last year when wade and i decided to detox with the master cleanse? that’s where you do a saltwater flush in the am, drink a mix of fresh lemon juic and cayenne pepper all day long, and then drink a laxative tea at night. well we made it less than HALF a day. ha! (such self-control!)
though we chose a method that was a bit extreme, my reason behind doing a cleanse was actually pretty good. for the past year … i’ve just felt off. i’ve had digestive problems as well as have dealt with anxiety and exhaustion. in fact, i began trying several different anxiety meds trying to “fake the funk”.
well i’ve been researching the med that i’ve been taking – and what i’ve found has been a bit disturbing (note: i shortened the list):
dry mouth
increased sweating
irregular heart rate (rapid and forceful thumping or fluttering)
increased blood pressure
abdominal cramping
constipation or diarrhea
nausea and/or vomiting
swallowing difficulty
chest pains
fatigue
fever
hot flashes
headaches (also referred to as brain zaps)
joint pain
light headedness and/or black-outs
mild or sharp pressure in the chest
nosebleeds
decreased weight (---> okay this one doesn’t bother me too much!)
dizziness
burning, itchy, or tingling skin
uncontrolled trembling and chills
irritability
sounds like withdrawal from hard drugs, eh? yeeks! upon reading this … i decided to start a new detox and stop taking the med.
this time i’m going about it the natural way – through a program called cleansesmart. you take 1 pill in the morning and 1 at night for the first 3 days. snd then you up the dosage to 2 pills in the morning and 2 at night for the rest of the 30 days. the best part is that you don’t have to drink some sort of special (nasty) concoction or starve yourself. you’re simply encouraged to eat healthy – esp loading up on the raw vegetables and fruits.
what good would be a detox without getting rid of the meds, eh? i have to admit that i’m a little nervous about the side effects – and i welcome your prayers and encouragement. but in the words of mariah carey – i’m reminding myself to “shake it, shake it off” (thanks, wade). and i’m focusing on verses like “i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. i do agree with wade that there is such a thing as too much webMD - and it doesn't do me any good worrying about what could go wrong during my detox. (wow – i just quoted mariah and the Bible in the same paragraph!)
i’ll keep you all informed on how things are going – esp as i start to see some of the positive effects of the cleanse!
happy birthday dayton!
in other news ... my nephew dayton is ALREADY 1! crazy!
and looks like he takes after aunt blair - CAKE ... YUM!
loving people ...
finally convinced myself to call crosspoint and sign up for a community group. ... i say
finally because i've been stalling since the first of january. but i called on monday - and *snap crackle pop* attended my first community group last night.
we're reading the book "the life you've always wanted" by john ortberg. i'm overnighting it - so i spent last night sitting back and listening to the group's discussion of the first 3 chapters. a big part of our discussion was on spiritual discipline as we focused on a chapter called "trying vs training".
i'm not much of a trainer ... actually at all. i absolutely hate the quote "the road to nowhere is paved with good intentions" as i take to new activities with a bang but quickly lose motivation - consider my exercise routine (or lack thereof) as an example. so this chapter hit home.
that said - this morning i woke up an hour earlier and both went to the gym and took time to read a bit more of "the prayer that changes everything". and i read something soooooo simple ... yet immediately put into action didn't prove to be as simple as i thought.
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"the prayer that changes everything" - 2.25.09
GOD THE CREATOR! how easy it is to see God in the colors of a sunrise over the ocean or the sparkle of the crystal blue water of a glacier lake!
wade and i love to make the drive to wolf hill where we've seen the leaves changing in the fall and now the budding of new life as spring approaches. this past november, we took a trip to northern california. within our 4-day trip we were able to see the ocean, the giant redwoods, and the mountains of lake tahoe. enveloped in nature, i find that praising God comes automatic.
but what about in His greatest creation of all - His people? stormie writes:
when we praise God for other people, it helps us to gain His heart for them. He loves them. all of them. we definitely don't do that naturally. our love for other people has to be ignited in the Spirit. God has to impart that ability to us.
think of that the next time you are at an amusement park, standing in line for an hour with a thousand other people, trying to get your children on a ride. or when you are at a sporting event, concert, or meeting, and it's wall-to-wall bodies and some of them don't smell as fragrant as others. think of it when you are hopelessly stuck in a traffic jam that shows no sign of moving because of the number of cars and trucks in front of you. these are the times to especially thank God for all the people He created, and that they each have a unique calling and purpose that is important to Him.
wow! okay i am going to admit something pretty embarrassing here:
i read this and thought: "of course people are God's creation ... good thing i'm so good at loving people!", right? then no more than 5 minutes later - i was put to the test. in walked a girl that has only been in the gym one other time while i've been in there - but she quickly proved to be a gym nazi. and i immediately thought to myself "oh great" and maybe a little something about her tripping while on treadmill.
i started considering all the people in my life that i'm not so good at loving: a certain co-worker, friends that have disappointed in the past, other christians. yikes.
matthew 23:13 says "woe to you, teachers of the law and pharisees, you hypocrites! you shut the kingdom of heaven in men's faces. you yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to."
Lord - help me to love all that you created - especially your people. and help me not to trip up others as we are all on a journey.
strike any chords?
and the winner is ...
though i am still choking for breath due to this awful sinus infection ... i can breath a little easier knowing the rapture did not happen yesterday afternoon and i was not left behind. rather my mum and brooke were at a baby shower, leigh was prepping for dayton's first birthday party, laura was writing the next hit song, and wade was out for a run. yes - how hypo-Christian of me to fear the rapture. and yes - an honest moment of panic/paranoia i deal with occasionally when i'm unable to reach anyone via telephone.
i again blame my misbehavior on cabin fever.
once i was able to skype for a minute with mum ... i settled. and settled into the idea of spending another night in recouping. however - i lucked out - because it was not just any other night ... it was OSCAR NIGHT!
i've never been into all the hype around hollywood. i'll admit i went through a brief period just after acquiring my first mac were i subscribed to a US weekly widget. but i also subscribed to a sudoku widget and a hangman widget ... please! it was all just juvenile experimenting. but last night might have lit a fire within me ... beginning with barbara walter's lapdance courtesy of hugh jackman and ending with pride as my cast from slumdog millionaire took home their 8th oscar or the night - this one being for best motion picture.
yes - i said MY cast from slumdog millionaire. did anyone else feel as proud as i did? you would have thought i wrote, directed, starred in, and sang the outro (much like clint eastwood in gran torino ... but that's a different story).
all that to say - YAY SLUMDOG! a must see.
His greatness, our gratefulness
today is day 4 of being cooped up inside my apartment with a sinus infection. i haven't concluded if the dayquil has gotten to me or a severe case of cabin fever ... but i'm restless. and after numerous failed attempts to call home just for a chat and scraping the bottle of the barrel for reasons to call up wade, i decided to dust off one of the many books i've promised my mum i would read.
"the prayer that changes everything" by stormie omartian.
i hate to admit but i've become somewhat cynical of Christian books lately. however i also hate to admit but recently i've been going through several months of depression and self-pity. deep inside i have felt paralyzed to the point of not being able to do much of anything. and it has weighed on my friendships, my relationship ... and most definitely my walk with God. i'm desperate for a break through.
if there's anything to the saying "what's in a name" ... my girl stormie was given a doozie. and from the first chapter of her book seems to have lived up to and beyond hers. my childhood was a mere fairy-tale when compared to the years of abandonment and abuse that she had to endure. and here - she wrote a book on praise. wow.
so though i've been cynical - i will stop my moaning and listen to what she has to say ... and possibly jot down a few thoughts (or lessons learned) along the way.
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"the prayer that changes everything" - 2.22.09
a bit from today's reading:
God must always have first place in our hearts. He says "you shall have no other gods before Me" (exodus 20:3). we must be very careful that we not allow anything or anyone to usurp His position. the better we know Him, the easier that will be.
i translate that to mean -
the more we are aware of His greatness ... the more it will inspire our gratefulness. check out this list of names and attributes of God:
God is GOOD. (1 chronicles 16:34)
God is LOVE. (1 john 4:16)
God is WISDOM. (1 corinthians 1:24)
God is PATIENT. (romans 15:5)
God is MERCIFUL. (psalm 116:5)
God is JUST. (isaiah 45:21)
God is ALL-KNOWING (john 16:30)
God is HOPE (psalm 71:5)
and the list goes on and on.
psalms 115:4-8 says that we become like what or who we worship.
we are made in the image of God and intended to worship Him. genesis 1:27: "God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him, male and female He created them". i look at that list of characteristics of God and see so many characteristics that i would like to inherit. what about His strength? His goodness? His wisdom? His patience? His faithfulness? His peace?
it is important that we remember Who it is that gave us life and Who it is that we are supposed to resemble. and i find peace in knowing that even if i don't have His wisdom and His patience and His peace and His all-knowingness (be that a word or not) - i worship that one that does. and that does make me grateful.
my gran torino review ...
over the holiday, wade and i saw "million dollar baby" with my folks. and we both fell in love with bad-ass clint eastwood. so we were excited that we didn't have to wait that long to catch clint eastwood in action again.
enter "gran torino".
personally i wish that we had waited to rent the movie instead of watch it in theater. why? well - what was supposed to be a emotional thriller was more of a comedy to those we watched it with. clint's character is offensive with his racial slurs and crude behavior. yet each time he said something shocking - the entire theater broke into laughter. i was so in awe of the reaction that it really distracted me from being able to enjoy the film for what it really was.
i feel like if we had watched it alone ... i would have enjoyed watching his cold outer shell melt away as his relationship with his 2 Hmong neighbors grew. and i ended up enjoying the end of the movie. but the icing on the cake - wade and i got a good (appropriate) laugh at the outro song ... a solo by clint himself. what's this? directing, producing, starring in wasn't enough? now that's hilarious. :)
hello 2009 ...
i can't believe it - it's a brand new year already!
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2008 was a whirlwind:
• i have now dated my best friend for an entire year! and like they say ... it keeps getting better.
• my family has gotten even bigger and better: leigh and brandon welcomed baby dayton in february and it has been a joy to watch him (and them) grow. my cousin rachel married her long-time sweetheart jordan. AND we ended the year with the amazing news of nyah - brooke and josh's daughter. she will be coming home in 3-6 months. can't wait! our first baby girl.
• i took on an incredible intern at work - and together we are bringing a lot of our minor design work in house. (not to mention she has become a blessing as a friend/therapist.) and i had the opportunity to take some design courses (paid by work!).
• i moved into an apartment all by myself. i think that means i'm officially a grown up. i even had my own REAL CHRISTMAS TREE!
• i saw SEVERAL of my lovely girlfriends married: stephen and jamaica, emily and anthony, jamie and doug, adrienne and andy, joanna and stephen, and rachel and jordan. let's just say wade and i were wedding-aholics.
• though i didn't use up all of my vacation days - i was able to take lots of little enjoyable trips: 2 to monterey, 2 snowboarding trips (tahoe and perfect north, in), my first visit to memphis, knoxville, and asheville, a trip to the martinsville fair, and my first work trip - to la.
wow - that makes the year sound quite exhausting.
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so - on to 2009! though i'm a little late ... it's time to create some 2009 resolutions:
1. come to terms with my celiac's disease (and be diagnosed). "my name is blair vickroy and i am gluten intolerant". there i've put it in writing. that said ... it's time to stop kidding myself and take care of myself. no more wheat!
2. practice self control when it comes to my spending. this applies to both going out to dinner (a favorite activity) and retail therapy (grr ... another favorite activity). i want to limit going out to one meal a week and up to 2 coffee outings. and i want to start packing a lunch (when i can't mooch off the boss!) and keeping healthy (gluten-free) snacks at the desk and house. when it comes to retail therapy ... instead of shopping whenever i find something i want, i've decided to come up with a "wish list" of items to be purchased only with money that i acquire babysitting or through my design work. this is going to be a challenge!
my wish list (thus far - pathetic):
- kathy van zeeland tote - the perfect casual bag!
- pillows for my new bed spread.
3. learn to ENJOY a healthy lifestyle. ha! while sitting on the couch and watching biggest loser i had a moment - what am i doing!?! so from here on i've concluded that when i'm home alone and decide to watch tv - i'll check and see if the weight room is available. and if it is - i'll watch the show while treadmill-ing. it's the little things. in addition to this - i plan to work out in the mornings. oh - and i want to be able to do 20 pushups. high hopes!
4. enjoy music again - and practice the piano.
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got any crazy good resolutions that i should consider taking on???
ooh - a new book.
i just got a new book in the mail! and i won't tell you what the title is ... well ... because i'll admit it's a bit cheesy. okay a LOT cheesy. but i'm completely thrilled about it! and within the first paragraph of the appendix ... i've been whacked upside the head with truth. time to share:
"God designed and created relationships as a good thing. they are a beautiful priceless gift. He uses them to help us eliminate loneliness, multiply our effectiveness, enjoy life, and bless us with relational intimacy. BUT beyond this, relationships also show us our need to grow and deal with out own issues and self-centeredness. if we are teachable ... we will learn to do the one thing that is most important in relationships - to love. this powerful union provides the path for you to learn how to love another imperfect person (as well as yourself) unconditionally. it is wonderful. it is difficult. it is life changing." (- emphasis mine!)
woah nelly!!!
"now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. but the greatest of these is love." - 1 corinthians 13:13
my bucket list ... version 1.2
after posting my bucket list yesterday ... my good friend Susie-Q sent me her "30 by 30" list. LOVE IT! and it got me thinking ... it would be more ambitious for me to make mine a "30 by 30" list (and somewhat more appetizing for my blog readers ... considering who wants to see an 80 year old learn to belly dance).
eh ... for now i'll stick to the bucket list ... a few more additions:
see lorenna mckennett in concert (preferably in ireland).sing bgvs professionally @ least once.live in africa (long or short term).become best friends with myself.learn to belly dance (ha! true!).speak a foreign language better than the spanish i learned in school.paint on a regular basis.dance in the rain (okay ... that's on every girl's list)write something that helps others ... whether that means a book or a journal.memorize scripture.learn to enjoy running AND (a 2-part) run a race.have an office ... WITH A DOOR!go to the movies alone.forgive those that have hurt me in the past.own a pig!take a photography class.meet kelvin - my special friend in tanzania.become a prayer warrior.take my parents on a trip.
my bucket list ...
have you seen the movie? well i have. actually that's quite the story. wade and i were each having a slow friday at work. (obviously this was a while ago ... and wasn't any time near the end of this election). so we got permission from the big guys and headed to the theater for a movie - the closest thing we could think of to running away. the movie was great - but better? the crowd we watched with. in all honesty ... the average age was 70. and only brought down that low because of wade and i. :) we enjoyed the film ... and had a time making geriatric jokes. ie. "don't worry i won't be leaving for the bathroom halfway through the film. the guy next to me shared his secret and lent me a depends."
BUT ... last night i realized i had some heart desires of my own. (funny the things you think of when it's 4 am (urr ... time change 3 am - is that how it works?). in no particular order (and up for expansion in the future):
- see lorenna mckennett in concert (preferably in ireland).
- sing bgvs professionally @ least once.
- live in africa (long or short term).
- become best friends with myself.
- learn to belly dance (ha! true!).
- speak a foreign language better than the spanish i learned in school.
- paint on a regular basis.
- dance in the rain (okay ... that's on every girl's list)
wise words ...
with it being halloween and all ... i thought i'd share a little message my mum sent me earlier with reference to the screwtape letters. i thought it was pretty powerful esp considering the recent book i've been reading regarding approval addition. (the halloween reference referring to the demons in the book and not my mother!!!):
the screwtape letters, by c. s. lewis, is a fictitious diary of scolding letters from a mature demon (screwtape) to his young nephew (wormwood). it is wormwood's job to keep a recent convert to Christianity from being productive for Christ (the Enemy). screwtape's letters point out where wormwood has failed or missed an opportunity. i (the writer of the book my mum is reading) have often mused that there must be a missing appendix to these letters somewhere that reads like this ...
my dear wormwood,
the following instructions shall help you proceed in handicapping your convert's effectiveness in the Enemy's kingdom. one of our great allies at present is her perception of herself. it is your task, therefore, to feed her poor self-esteem. already she wastes time primping in front of the mirror and worrying about her looks.
you must continue to encourage her to compare herself with so-called "spiritual giants" whom she admires. this will eventually immobilize her. when she feels inadequate she will no longer attempt anything for the Enemy's kingdom because of her fear of failure. her warped self-image will lead to unhealthy relationships and hinder her ability to love others. The more often she tells herself that she is a bad person- that she's not competent-the more easily she will feel threatened by others. this will turn others off to the Enemy and his loathesome Christianity.
ultimately, her relationship with the Enemy himself will be adversely affected. since she is not satisfied with how the Enemy has created her, her intimacy with him will be destroyed and she will find it difficult to trust the Enemy, pray to him or read that detestable Book.
finally, emphasize her weaknesses so repeatedly that she begins to believe that she is unimportant to the Enemy. this will push her to compulsive striving to please him through her own accomplishments. her works will no longer be motivated by faith, but by a dislike for herself. confuse her so that she never feels forgiven. if you successfully convince her that the Enemy is never pleased with her, she will grow weary and give up altogether. but, more of this in my next letter.
your affectionate uncle,
screwtape
less wrinkles in only 60 minutes ...
most of you know that i spend a lot of time at curb prepping images for retouches and even doing some of the retouching myself. in fact today i've spent the entire morning reviewing the just jinjer shoot and preparing the final files to go to the retoucher. this includes everything from marking every blemish, wrinkle, age spot, roll, etc to completely choosing an entirely different head and body to get the PERFECT final image. (don't worry - just jinjer boys ... you were lovely - and an easy fix!)
having become somewhat image obsessed ... i especially love a horrible retouch job and unbelievable imagery. this might be top of my list:
however ... if this stuff really worked - it could save me some major time ...
young at heart ...
my mum has always been on the cutting edge of cool when it comes to christian music. in fact ... i'm pretty sure that she first introduced ross and the rest of us to switchfoot. yes she is young at heart, but also she wanted her kids to listen to christian music - and knew that contemporary christian music wasn't going to cut it (esp through our teen years). she decided she would listen to whatever (punk, rock, rap) as long as we liked it and of course it was christian.
one artist she fell in love with was riley armstrong, a dreadlocked canadian that was "to edgy for family focused christian radio". today i am particularly fond of his song "sleep" off his self-titled release on flicker records.
sleep, no I never get enough
always waking up tired
sleep, no I never get enough
if I don't show up I might get fired
oh boy can i relate. not only is it friday - but i was up pretty much all night - and i have a 5 hour drive to make today. HELP ME LORD! (said in my best southern accent.)
so 2 am rolled around ... and i was still wide awake. unbelievable. i decided to move to the couch and pop in "young @ heart" - a documentary about a choir in northampton, ma. the group is made up of 22 senior citizens whose average age is 80 ... and they are known (and loved) for their unique interpretations of songs by the ramones, the clash, and coldplay. the next 108 min were an absolute JOY! i cried, i laughed, i cried some more.
my 5 hour trip today is to martinsville - my grandma's hometown ... where we plan to celebrate her 80th birthday. my grandma is also an absolute joy and i wish all of you could meet her. she's a ray of sunshine.
one of my sweetest memories shared with her was 2 years ago during my christmas break. after christmas with the extended family at grandma's, we packed up and traveled back to my parents. i was in a car with my mom and my grandma - and we spent the entire 3 hour car ride singing christmas carols. grandma sang at the top of her lungs - i mean TOP of her lungs. and she knew every word to every carol. she sang baritone, she sang soprano, she tried some tricks ... and she finished each song with a long dramatic finale (complete with a good ol' sunday morning vibrato).
the crazy thing is my grandma has dementia ... in fact a rather late stage of dementia. it's weird how the mind works - almost like you return to where you were as a child ... "unlearning" (if you will) things one by one. one day it's the letter "h" that causes her problems, other days its remembering to use the bathroom or even our names. but when it comes to singing - she was right on! what a joy.
i have to admit - i wasn't ever much of a babysitter. in fact, i'm just now beginning to enjoy it ... probably because i'm smack-dab in the middle of my "baby making years" (don't worry ... i will not be baby making anytime in the near future). rather ... i LOVED spending time with the elderly. in fact, my best pal was a toy-maker in his late-70s, mr dixon. he lived a block away and we spent countless afternoons together in his workshop and garden.
all that said because "young @ heart" is at the top of my must see movie list for 2008 and definitely on my mind and heart. what a beautiful story. (secretly this is something i would love to do here in nashville eventually!)
here's a preview ... then go and rent it.
AA ...
"hi my name is blair vickroy. and i'm an approval addict. i am insecure. i often don't like myself. and i need God (not others) to help and heal this area of my life".
there i admitted it. step 1, right?
tonight i started the book "approval addiction: overcoming the need to please everyone" by joyce meyers. yah - a joyce meyers' book ... and being that - i probably never would have picked up the book for myself. but about 2 years ago a gal that i work with occasionally stopped by to say hello and happened to bring me a gift - the book. while i probably should have been offended because we really weren't all that close, i wanted her to like me ... so i smiled and thanked her for such a thoughtful gift.
i guess that should have been my first clue. this gal was either gifted with discernment ... or my insecurity was THAT obvious. now two years later ... i continue to attack myself and it has become a hinderance to my walk with God and my relationships with others. so time to take the book off the bookshelf.
check this out:
"there are two kinds of pain in the world: 1) the pain of never changing, and 2) the pain of changing." - "approval addiction" p. 52
wow! that's powerful stuff. and very much explains where i am. figuring out how to revise my thinking sounds tedious. i mean i've been hard on myself and a major people pleaser for a LOOOOONG time now. but then remaining where i currently am also sounds tedious. i mean ... if i refuse to face the fact that i have self esteem issues, i will remain in bondage ("the pain of never changing"). if i have to be phony and pretend and manipulate to get something, i will have to do the same to keep it. and eventually i'll become tired of living that way only to find myself in a trap that i don't know how to break free from.
joyce goes on:
"until we accept and approve of ourselves, no amount of approval from others will keep us permanently secure. the outside approval we seek becomes an addiction. we work to get approval or a compliment and it feels good for a short while, and then we find that we need another and another and another. true freedom never comes until we fully realize that we don't need to struggle to get from man what God freely gives us: love, acceptance, approval, security, worth, and value."
tonight i was reminded that God wants our security to be in Him. He is the only one in life that is not shaky ... the only one that is certain and sure.
hopefully this encourages you as much as me.
sweet dreams.
i love technology ...
today i figured out how to sync my facebook status and twitter. so much fun! and i'm attempting to RSS feed this blog into my facebook blog. that way i can keep people updated via one site. note: attempt. we'll see if this bad boy shows up on facebook. come on automatic update!
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you've got to check out the link i posted on facebook:
http://www.cusatocottages.com/index.php
these little bad boys were originally designed as a "dignified alternative to the FEMA trailer" and now "have evolved into a nationwide sensation that is finding popularity as affordable housing, guesthouses, resorts and camps". and now Lowe's is bringing to the market the floor plans and materials. unbelievable.
the cottages range from 308 sq feet up to 1800 sq feet. the floor plan costs $700 dollars (which is refunded if you go on to buy the materials package) and then the materials packages are an average of $55/sq foot.
can you imagine living with your spouse (or worse spouse + kids) in a 308sq foot home? yikes! pretty sure wade and i would kill each other.
a miniature neighborhood complete with these miniature houses and smart cars - now that sounds like a dream! maybe i could start a little colony in my parents back yard!?! i'm in!
UPDATE
wade cheated on me. (OKAY - NOT REALLY ... read on)
1. he watched 3 episodes of "how i met your mother" without me. (that's NOT part of the deal).
2. he ate pancakes for breakfast.
MAD! MAD! MAD!
time for sushi. game over.
mc - day 1
good morning world. :)
today is the start of wade and my master cleanse. yesterday i ate rather healthy knowing that what goes in must come out. and last night i drank a glass of "smooth move" tea as recommended (sick!) and then hit the hay a little early. wade on the other hand was celebrating his last day of real food. when i stopped by to see him at 7, he and a friend had just finished a pizza. and then they were off to hit up the greenhouse and sam's for drinks with the boys. i think he finally hit the sack about 2 am.
every other day on the cleanse - including day 1 - you have to do a SWF (salt water flush). i thought this would be easy. well it isn't in fact it was HORRIBLE! you have to chug 1 qt of water with 2 tablespoons of salt. maybe if i had been a big drinker in university i would be able to "chug". but this killed me. (luckily - i will not call myself a wimp. likewise wade struggled to get and keep it all down.)
ever watched shark week? well there was this one made for tv movie about some navy ship that sunk at sea and the soldiers floated in the water for something like 5 days/nights (maybe more) hoping to be found. well there was a major shark attack (thus it's premiere on shark week) - but the ones to die off first ... were the ones that drank the water. why? well salt water can't be digested. so it goes STRAIGHT through you - and (the idea behind the SWF) takes everything in its path with it.
needless to say it's been a fun and rather funny morning - since wade and i both experienced the SWF.
after choking down the salt water, we decided to fix up our "meals" for the first half of the day. lemonade - doesn't sound like a bad gig eh? well it wouldn't be ... if the recipe didn't call for cayenne pepper. wade and i toasted a better life and then took our first sip. OH MY GOSH! it BURNS.
well i'm now sitting at mcdonalds downtown waiting for derek (my car) to get an oil change, tire rotation, and alignment. (get this all for 19.99 with a coupon i got on the internet). and i've stomached 4 oz of the 48oz of lemonade i'm supposed to drink today! and of course i'm not hungry yet - as i used to never eat breakfast (and mcdonalds doesn't really do it for me). only 44oz to go. help ya'll.
:) we'll see if i'm still smiling later this afternoon.
the master cleanse ... (T-minus 15 hours)
so ... i've decided to detox with the master cleanse. heard of it? well it's a fast ... where for up to 21 days (i'm hoping for at least 5 - at max a week) you drink a special "lemonade" concoction only. it's an attempt to allow your digestive system to rest as well as rid your body of toxins. and it's not to be used as a fad diet or some microwave method of weight loss.
so the concoction:
- 2 tablespoons of fresh squeezed lemon juice
- 2 tablespoons of grade b maple syrup
- 2 pinches of cayenne pepper
- 10 oz of purified water.
you mix those bad boys up and "enjoy" 6-12 a day. oh and the best part ... you drink a glass of laxative tea at night and then 24oz of warm salt water in the morning. yum!
luckily wade has decided to join me in the quest. luckily - better described as surprisingly. at first he laughed at me like "what's this joker thinking" ... but after a while he decided that anything i could do ... he could do also (and most likely better). so we'll kick of the grand event tomorrow am. i'll keep you informed on how will-powered we actually are.
gooey details to come. (okay - i'll keep it clean!)
these boots were made for walking ...
have you ever seen the ladies walking around downtown in gym shoes and a business suit? well ... i've always gotten a kick out of them. however ... 2 days ago - i decided that a change of lifestyle was in order. 1. to minimize my carbon footprint (nashville's still is out of gas) and 2. to minimize my waist band (sad - but true). i set out to walk the 1.8 miles to and from work as many days a week as possible. and 1 failed attempt to be cool by wearing sandals and 2 mega blisters later ... i've joined the tennis shoes and skirt club. rock on!
that's right i've decided to park the car (at curb ... where i have a FREE parking spot) and walk to work and home as often as possible. and so far ... i walked home Monday evening, walked to and from work yesterday, and walked to work this morning. i've had a horrible time fitting exercise into my schedule ... and this is my lame attempt to maintain my regular schedule and get a little exercise in. who knows maybe this will motivate me to do even more??? (ie. the suzanne somers over-the-door gym i picked up on HSN a couple of weeks ago.)
i'm really enjoying my walks. in fact i consider them somewhat of a warm-up for the big day ahead, and then a cool down before i get home and have to function as a normal person. and since i'm a people watcher ... i find the 30 minutes alone each way to be very entertaining as well as very insightful.
there's the zit-faced pre-teen that somehow woke up in a (big) man's body. he's always waiting for the school bus and wrapping up his algebra homework outside the viridian, one of the swanky condo buildings downtown. and since the homeless gather in the park across from the library, you can come upon pretty much anything. yesterday, i enjoyed 2 homeless men dancing in the park while others clapped and encouraged them to act a fool. And then there are the business men and women i pass stuck in the 80s - those are my favorites. i enjoy the "good mornings" that you get along the way from everyone: red and yellow, black or white.
but it can also be somewhat heartbreaking. there's a spot on demonbreun where they are building more condos and they've covered the sidewalk creating a makeshift tunnel through the mess. i debated at first if i wanted to walk through the tunnel or cross the street. but that's the busiest part of my trip - and amazingly there isn't a crosswalk. (joni - get on this!) so i trudged ahead through the tunnel.
about halfway through ... i noticed what looked like a big pile of sandbags in front of me almost blocking the entire path. i considered turning around but then remembered the little old lady that i had just passed that somehow made it through the tunnel herself. so i walked on - and soon realized it wasn't sandbags ... it was an elderly homeless man sprawled out and trying to get some sleep in the cool shade. i crept by trying not to wake him (or accidentally step on him). poor guy.
it's weird once you make it through downtown and up demonbreun, you cross the circle and are suddenly in a different world. ... music square. suddenly birds are singing, the grass literally is greener, and there are flowers and well manicured lawns all around, and blah blah blah.
i don't have anything philosophical to end with ... i guess just take a walk. it could be good for you (mentally and physically).
a sign of my age ...
rather than the usual signs of aging - crows feet, gray hairs ... chin hairs, last year i suddenly found interest in decorating for the seasons and door wreaths. suddenly my favorite read went from cosmopolitan to real simple and my favorite watch went from america's next top model to oprah or (better) super nanny. and today i've decided to admit to one more sign of aging ... i want to collect something. (wow - what a relief to have that off my chest!)
my grandma collects candlewick dinnerware. she has for years ... her hope is to collect a complete set for all 3 of her girls. it's very special on holidays when we pull out the china - each piece that she's carefully searched for over the years. her dinnerware has become part of our family heritage if you will. it's funny how a plate can become so special.
when my parents got married they received both a set of fine china and their everyday dinnerware. i especially loved their everyday set - which we began using again once we moved to petersburg and we were a bit more grownup. it's black and off-white ... and though very 70s ... it's sort of a timeless design that i still consider very in style. another plate that has become rather special to me.
so earlier this month i sent mom a note asking for the name of her dinnerware as i intended to start collecting it (and put my name on the plates she already owned! ha!). her response ... "oh - no idea. you'll have to ask your brother. i gave it to him." that's right ... my mum gave away her (MY future) dinnerware to my kid brother Ross - a 22 year old bachelor. yikes! well ... i'm planning to bribe him with something hip from Target to swap for her dishes. and then i'll have my own "candlewick of sorts" collection.
it's called noritake folkstone - new santa fe ... oooh lovely eh?:
in other news ... thanks to hurricane ike - NASHVILLE IS OUT OF GAS!!! unbelievable. and i only have a quarter of a tank left. help ya'll
why do i talk so much!!!
last night wade and i headed down to the people's church in franklin for adrienne and andy’s nashville version of their wedding reception. it was really nice and casual - something i would definitely like to consider since i plan to get married in illinois. it was from 6-8 and was a casual come as you are (when you can) event. but they had a nice little spread with some appetizers and lots of yummy desserts. (yes - i partook.) they also had the wedding reception usuals: a wedding book to write a little message in, a gift table ... and the wedding slide show. (note: after the hour long wedding slide show this past weekend - i wouldn't mind if i never saw another slideshow again!)
at first wade and i sat awkwardly alone at a table ... as the people's church regulars (mostly staff) mingled. but we forced ourselves to be social by moving directly in front of the slide show ... directly in the middle of the bunch. before long we were mingling with the family (and getting marriage counseling from the bride's family - but that is a different story - ha!). and then saved by the bell ... rather the jarnigans - i took over holding little elijah and we gathered a small bunch to chit chat.
as usual when introducing wade - which leads directly to "what do you do wade?" ... politics became the topic of choice. and in franklin, we democrats find few companions (again saved by the jarnigans - or at least one). about 15 minutes of political talk and one crying baby later ... wade and i decided we'd had enough wedding festivities and it was time to head out. so we said our goodbyes to new friends and old and headed to the car.
on the way home, wade asked if i could be a little more conscious about answering questions for him. (he said it very kindly ... and amazingly i didn't get defensive.) looking at the conversations of the night - i did elaborate on the majority of his minimal answers - when the questions were intended for him and not me. his reason behind his limited answers was that he sort of enjoyed "remaining a mystery". and the further we talked i concluded that when i answer for him i sort of make him feel inadequate.
this is another area where wade and i are very different - but it works. i talk too much ... and some how infer that he talks too little. however - GOSH i would love to be comfortable talking less. in reality i don't just speak for wade ... i tend to do this for lots of people: laura, mom, co-workers, etc. the truth is knowing that each of them is completely capable of handling conversation on their own. maybe i just like my way of telling stories - or just liking hearing myself. either way i need to be more comfortable letting others speak for themselves. (again another 5 year old lesson.)
update ...
it's been a while since i've journaled ... darn. i had hoped to be more consistent. so as i always say - "i'll work on it".
a little update:
it's september ... unbelievable. this year has just flown by. i can't believe that wade and i have dated for almost 9 months. i am so in love with him - and love getting to know him more and more as each month goes by. things are better also - i mean not that they were ever bad. but i mentioned a while ago all the crap that i've been going through with pmdd. (and with that - all the crap that wade has gone through.) well thanks to modern medicine ... and my recent desire to get back in shape (aka release endorphins) ... my emotions are evening out.
wade and i are really learning how to work with each other also. i think deep down every person likes themselves most of all. meaning - that in the end we can live best with just ourselves because we excuse our own behaviors. that sounds weird but when wade and i are disagreeing - i rarely see myself at fault ... rather see that he's the one that needs the tweaking. so learning that i could be at fault or should be willing to compromise or that things can be resolved more than just my way has been somewhat of a challenge. (i know a 5 year old lesson, eh?) and i'm finding that the areas where i'm hardest on him - usually are areas where i'm in need of work myself. for example ... lately i've been really hard on him about church and "our walk" ... well my own relationship with God has been struggling or even non-existent at times. this is an entirely new way of looking at our relationship (and my self) ... and it's definitely taking some time to put it into practice.
work's great also. i have a new intern - shannon. and she's very passionate about design and music. so it's fun to throw her jobs and see what she comes up with and to include her in the design process behind an ad or brainstorming process behind a photo shoot. i love jt my boss - but it's fun to have a chick on board. ha!
in other news ... it's election season. and since i already am set on who i'm voting for ... i'm ready to get it over with!!! (i think wade will agree! ha!) i'm most of all getting tired of all the smear tactics that are part of the whole election process. AND i'm learning that i'm not the only one that's ready for this season to be over.
my friend jake messaged me this morning. his 9-year old's class has been discussing the election. and it's become very evident that kids learn their politics through what their parents say at home. his little girl has come home with all sorts of different things on her mind from their classroom discussions: "so-in-so's parents are voting for obama just because they want a black president" "so-in-so's mom says a vote for obama is a vote for a baby killer".
yesterday she came home from school and asked why obama is a baby killer. jake told her that it's because mccain wants to ban abortion. and before he could explain obama's stance ... she of course asked "what's an abortion?". nice! that's exactly what every 9-year old should be concerned with. i understand that it's election season and it's the buzz around town - but i'm pretty sad that ignorance is being passed down to our children and then allowed to be spread around schools.
by the way - obama (and other democrats) aren't for baby killers. nobody says "i'm for killing babies" ... but rather they consider it necessary to establish options for mothers-to-be. obama consistently talks about taking "a comprehensive approach where we focus on abstinence" but that we're also "recognizing the importance of age-appropriate education to reduce risks and that contraception has to be a part of that education process." he also recognizes the importance of good medical care for women. more than 19 million women are uninsured in this country, and women are more likely than men to delay or not get medical care because of high costs. if we do those things, i believe we can reduce abortions.
obama also believes that "we should make sure that adoption is an option for people out there." yay - brooke, josh and haven ... can't wait to meet your little nyah!
pray for our nation!
bayside ...
it's 6:37am and i've been up for almost 2 hours now. however - I'M IN L.A. so 6:37am isn't that early after all.
l.a. - you ask?
yup. i'm here for 4 days and 3 nights with a new band that we've signed - just jinjer. next week we're shooting their photo shoot ... so i've traveled out with a stylist to prep. yesterday we met with the band to discuss vision and to get measurements ... and then we walked up the street to the house of blues for dinner and their show. now i wait until saturday evening for the fitting.
so what am i supposed to do in the meantime? well - it's my first time in l.a. ... hmmm.
renee made me a list of l.a. must-dos including the sunset boulevard hotspots, melrose, and then santa monica boulevard (aka the beach!). don't worry co-workers - i will have my laptop close by - and the ever-present blackberry. :) but i'm so excited. i've needed some sunshine and a big ol' king-sized bed all to myself!!!
currently i'm laying in bed watching "saved by the bell". you could say i'm doing research on fellow los angelans ... but the truth is i'm waiting for breakfast ... in bed. and then i'll be hitting the town!
so this is a really weird episode of SBTB ... and i'm (sadly) pretty familiar with most of their episodes. it's a 4-parter (or more) where zack and kelly are about to get married in vegas. and i guess their broke - but zack being zack doesn't want kelly to know. so he and screech instead take on jobs ... get this - being MALE ESCORTS. oh the naivety.
sadly ... being in the big city all by myself, i sort of understand where they are coming from - ha! just feeling way out of place - and slightly overwhelmed. l.a. is full of rockstars - and my hotel - the grafton - is like their mecca. it's a boutique hotel right on west sunset boulevard. and something about it reminds me of the people of l.a. - at least based on my observations so far. (hopefully this won't offend anyone too much. - ha!)
the grafton's perfect from the outside or even from first impression. it has overstuffed furniture in dark sexy colors and moody lighting. there's a bar and a restaurant and a big gorgeous pool. my bed is covered in a faux zebra print spread with a floor to ceiling mural of a half dressed woman at the head of the bed.
but deep down - it's in need of a little tlc. the towels could use a serious bleach and some fabric softener, service is slow - and for some reason the fruit with my breakfast in bed tasted like meat. (yah - breakfast has come and gone. it has taken me a long time to focus on this blog.)
i've come to think of l.a. as a facelift. it's a pricey - yet quick fix. and i must say - at this point - i'm proud to be from nashville. but it's time to get ready and take on the town. we'll see if my feelings change!
it has been 7 days since i've blogged ...
DANG ...
but don't worry it isn't an end of an era - it's just been a rough week. i've been working REALLY RIDICULOUSLY hard and my friend with internet at the house must have moved - because i am having trouble stealing access nowadays. but i've definitely got material to write about ... a couple of journal entries to come:
- money money money money
- my friend stan
to hold you over - i found some arts and crafts that i'm sure you'll enjoy.
xo
uh - what's her name?
my former roommate ashley is about to start student teaching. and she's ready ... she's been over-schooled in every area - and ready to put it all into practice.
however today she im-ed me:
"dei'dre, marquavious, demetrice, kimelviyah, ke' andre, dyamond, iskekia, ko' mya, emonsia, davion, deh' javon, de'keria, and RALPH"
my response:
"uh ... what language was that?"
hers:
"yah - not a language. the names of my first graders."
unbelievable!!! so this is my shout out - GOOD LUCK ASHLEY. do you still feel ready? and is it inappropriate to call first graders "cowboy" and "cowgirl" ... or how about "hey you"? if so - i suggest a class pet ... thank the Lord fo good ol' ralph!
woops. i'm glad i'm not the only one that has bad days ...
had a good laugh today just after lunch - and i thought i would share it with the rest of the world (well my 4-5 blog visitors - ha!).
most of you don't know my boss jeff ... however stick around me very long and you will come to know how much i appreciate him and respect him as both a friend, a husband/father, and a co-worker. (that's a pretty big statement to make considering our business!)
well while passing my desk today on his way into his office followed by a rather stuffy ensemble for a business meeting, one of the guys asked him if he'd had the opportunity to vacation this summer despite how busy things were.
"well ... i hit the bitch for about a week."
that's right - smack dab in the middle of his sentence was a major mishap. he meant "beach". it lead to a major outburst of laughter - and will be good for a joke or two over the next couple of weeks.
aw ... stress - let the good times roll.
so what does it mean?
are you baptist, catholic, methodist or presbyterian? or are you among the new group of churchgoers that have declared themselves to be non-denominational. rather than building the body of Christ - putting the hands with the hands, and the feet with the feet, i sometimes think denominations have allowed Satan a foothold. often christians spend so much time debating what they don't believe ... that they forget to live out what they DO believe.
wade and i have begun to attend the downtown presbyterian church which has created a lot of dialogue between myself and my family and friends. you see i was raised with a baptist background attending 2 small town baptist churches and several camps, conferences etc throughout my childhood. even the church i chose to go to after college was baptist - though they have chosen to drop the word "baptist" because of the negative connotations it can present.
negative connotations? that's sort of what i'm getting at here. i hate that we as baptists bash the catholics and presbyterians. while the catholics and presbyterians bash each other right back. it's one big denominational moshpit. and completely exhausting to both us as Christians and non-Christian spectators.
what does it mean to be saved? well according to the downtown presbyterian church and my baptist church back home ... it means to accept that we are all sinners, to believe that Christ is our only way to redemption, and to commit our lives to living it for him. i have come to believe that most churches agree here. however - i have come to believe also that it's how we live out this salvation that puts denominations and individuals within churches at war.
are we to take a stand against the death penalty at capital hill? or preach the gospel on street corners? or simply (well - definitely not simply in this day and age) raise up our children to be future leaders within the church? do we worship accompanied by lights and smoke machines? or do we sing hymns accompanied by an a capella choir clad with traditional robes? okay so that stuff's rather easy to forget. what about the tough stuff? the freewill vs predestination? the transubstantiation vs the symbolism/remembrance of the Lord's supper?
all in all i believe that there are many unknowns. and many interpretations. but are we too busy debating the religion of it all that we're forgetting about our call in the first place? what are the essentials for being a christian?
pastor ken brought to our attention this past sunday that a very similar debate was occurring within the early church. check out acts 15. the message has begun to spread to the gentiles and with this spread a great debate begins over whether they needed to be circumcised and to follow other laws of mozes (like not eating unclean meat, etc). finally james spoke up saying:
19. "It is my judgment, therefore, that we should not make it difficult for the Gentiles who are turning to God. 20. Instead we should write to them, telling them to abstain from food polluted by idols, from sexual immorality, from the meat of strangled animals and from blood." (new international version)
or i happen to favor this translation:
20. be careful to not get involved in activities connected with idols, to guard the morality of sex and marriage, to not serve food offensive to Jewish Christians—blood, for instance. (the message)
woah sounds like old testament mumble jumble. help us out pastor ken.
1. abstain from food polluted by idols.
- food that was presented to idols wasn't purposed to glorify God and therefore it didn't honor God.
- it is essential that Christians live a life that HONORS GOD.
2. abstain from sexual immorality (fornication)
- fornication comes from the greek word pornea. it described relationships that are demeaning/degrading to someone else.
- it is essential that Christians live a life that HONORS OTHERS.
3. abstain from the meat of strangled animals and from blood.
- blood meant life. therefore it was thought if you spilt blood or drank blood you didn't honor life.
- it is essential that Christians live a life that HONORS LIFE.
the essence of Christian unity is our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ. and this is lived out by honoring God, life, and relationships. however - the challenge is that we don't always agree how to do that. maybe we were meant to debate this - so that many things could be done. some could march capital hill against abortion or the death penalty, while others could teach sunday school, and others could feed the hungry both on the streets here in american and overseas. definitely something to think about ...
God
Life
Relationships
oh and for the haiku:
twenty six comes swift
smiles and laughter will wrinkle some
good wine turns back time
starting 26 off with a bang ... (revised)
(mum said my sarcasm was coming across as depression rather than humor. she even called because she was worried about me - woops. so i've revised this journal entry because honestly it was a very happy birthday!)
yesterday was my birthday. and it was lovely!
you must first know that i'm not a birthday party person. that is an understatement ... i absolutely hate birthday parties. i have never had a "group" ... rather several individual friends - each appreciated for their own unique personalities. now throw all of those "unique personalities" into one room at the same time ... all demanding attention. (or at least that's what i have conjured up) ... and well you've got a serious case of hives on your hands - and one miserable birthday girl.
(note: this will also be my explanation someday if you suddenly find me a mrs.! however - in that case ... would it be rude to still register??? ha!)
so this year i nixed the party. or at least postponed it until this friday and renamed it "a game night". relieved ... i looked forward to spending my birthday alone with wade.
we met at 6:30 am to start the day off right with a big breakfast at La Peep. and wade presented me with 3 cards to be opened specifically at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. wade is very poetic ... (i love this about him) ... and he's well-read (i also love this about him). and this reflected on his birthday cards - each including a quote that is significant to him and one phrase from a homemade haiku that he wrote - just for me. :)
after breakfast, we parted ways to pretend to be adults working 9-5. and by 5, i was eager to head home to celebrate more with wade. we had plans to meet up at 6:30pm for dinner. and i planned my day so that i could have enough time to switch from work mode to date mode both mentally and physically (well clothes-wise). and he came early - with flowers in hand. i'll have to upload a picture as they are unique and perfect.
when asked where i thought we were going for dinner i threw out my favorite "the yellow porch". (in hindsight it would have been better to say something like "i have no clue" or "surprise me") but i got lucky. and despite his attempt to throw me off by passing it and then turning back around ... i had guessed and i was thrilled. we sat in our regular spot (well regular as in for the third time) and ordered wine, an opener (the gnocci!!), and 2 unbelievably decadent meals. (that's right suz - DECADENT)
as if wade hadn't planned enough already - he wanted to finish the night with dessert at the palm. wow! i have never been to the palm so i was thrilled. but the wine hit my fast ... or maybe it was waking up at 6:00am ... and i could hardly make it through our meal with my eyes open. we decided to post-pone the palm and headed back home instead.
the best part of the entire day ... drumroll please ... we both passed out by 8:30! (okay maybe that wasn't the best part - but it was pretty dang awesome!)
to sum it up ...
here's to 26:
good food, a good man, and sweet dreams!
i done got my hairs did ...
unbelievably yesterday i was able to get a haircut from my good friend and stylist to the stars debra wingo. when i say stylist to the stars - i mean it. the lady is keith urban and nicole kidman's go to gal. she's worked with practically every country artist our there - and tours with keith, dirks bently, billy currington and more. and that's how she and i have met - through curb work.
well i decided to just check and see if she was still styling hair and if so her rates. (knowing that in the past she has charged us $250/hour. and she emailed me back "i bet you're on a budget ... what price range are you thinking?" so i responded "uh - $80?" ... and she responded "see you thursday at noon". what a deal.
well i'm not the blue eyed babe from my previous journal entry and i'm no keith urban look-a-like (praise God) - but i am one happy camper.
just call us macgyver ...
remember macgyver? that blonde super hottie that could use a toothpick, some gum, and his ever-present swiss army knife and duct tape to work his way out of any life-and-death situation.
well as my clever title suggests - WE ARE MACGYVER.
my personal computer completely died on me 3 weeks ago. i knew it was coming ... it had all the warning signs. heavy breathing, the shakes ... and the screen began to fade in and out. such a shame - especially considering i didn't heed kurt and tyler's advice and backup my hard drive prior to the fall.
curb pimped my ride (the computer) about 6 months ago. i had volunteered to offer up my personal computer as a sacrifice in exchange for an intern. and once they agreed to my request, we sent the computer in for an overhaul - upping the ram and swapping out the original 30GB hard drive for a beefy 100GB. listen up now ... this is important - the company that pimped the computer sent back my 30GB hard drive in a handy dandy palm sized external hard drive case.
so skip ahead to this week. my pathetic paper weight of a computer has sat on my desk for the past 3 weeks - loaded full of my memories, music, and the best dang design software in town. (which is a big deal considering nowadays they limit you to 3 activations - and it was my 3rd.) diagnosis - it needed a logic board transplant - approx. another $600.
after much discussion and patiently waiting for a response from the financial dept, jt and my plea was accepted and they sent us off in search of a new computer and to repair the old one - with a stern warning not to use my personal computer for work.
2 days later i'm smack dab in the middle of a love affair with Office 2008, photo booth and iweb on my brand new "work" macbook. seriously - i can't even imagine going back to the old machine even with our plans to get 'er back in the game. somewhere within me i worked up the courage to express this love to JT ... admitting that i was even willing to give up my past (well the photos and music) if this macbook could be my future. and suggesting that i take ownership of the newbie rather than spend an additional $600 - thus "saving curb money" (this is the angle to always work). and ... drumroll ... he went for it - unbelievable! so somehow (don't tell the finance dept) we ended up back in the game using my new "personal" computer for "work".
my gain - eh? well - i did lose a bit ... my old computer was still a paperweight. but wait - remember my "listen up now ... this is important". yesterday - i had a stroke of genius. my handy dandy palm sized external drive was returned to me from a designer - and when i went to get it out of the box, out dropped instructions on how to install a hard drive inside the little case.
i rushed home after work and wade and i went into nerd mode. we attacked the paperweight removing about 50 of the tiniest (and might i add cutest) screws and pulling, twisting, banging until we finally came upon the 100GB hard drive. with a little snap here and a pop there - we traded the 100GB drive for the 30GB drive.
so now ... NOT ONLY DO I HAVE A NEW MACBOOK - we (the macgyvers) recovered all my old pictures, my music, documents ... and my adobe software. awww.
life is good!
i can be light hearted too ...
this made me smile this morning ...
the tennessean has released its "toast of music city 2008 winners".
MOST CONFUSING INTERSECTION:
1st ... music square - division - 17th - demonbruen
2nd ... hwy 70 and 100
3rd ... roundabout and demonbruen
anyone else seeing what i'm seeing???
1st and 3rd are the exact same thing - now that's CONFUSING.
pedestals and stonings
one of the things i've begun to enjoy most about living downtown and four floors above wade is our sunday mornings together.
when we go off-campus (aka anywhere via car), we usually stop by a starbucks where he'll have a venti carmel macchiato and i a tall zen green tea. i read the arts and the fashion sections (and depending on how early we are the funnies), while he reads the political section and world news. (yes ... we are very different.)
but if we decide to stay downtown ... we walk to church. and since the sun was shining and it wasn't too hot yet, that was our choice this past weekend. at approx 10:45 we met to walk to the 11:00 service at downtown pres. (my personal favorite of all the churches that we have visited.)
printer's alley is a shortcut to the presbyterian church. not necessarily the nicest alley to walk ... but if you can get beyond the smell of piss and the signs advertising nude karaoke and the brass stables (a play and dance theatre), the architecture is quite lovely and screams the history of nashville. nowadays it has become home to many homeless ... and this past sunday was no exception. dressed in our sunday best we walked down the alley past a gang of scraggly middle to upper-aged men passing around a bottle of jack daniels. based on their look and hearty laughter ... i imagined them to be a group of pirates just off the high seas.
now i've lived downtown for just about 2 months now. and i've been educated in how i "should" act toward the homeless. warned that if i'm too nice - it's unsafe and i will definitely be taken advantage of ... they will come to know me as "the weak girl that can't say no". (come to think of it ... what does it really matter if the homeless know my weakness when my co-workers, friends, acquaintances young and old apparently are aware of this and rather appreciate this "quality" in me? okay - tangent.) so ashamedly, i passed without looking any of them in the face.
the service was lovely. rather than meeting in the sanctuary ornate with egyptian stained glass and bright painted walls to match ... we met in the dingy fellowship hall at tables eye to eye with fellow church goers. (note: presbyterians are much like back row baptists ... leaving the three tables closest to pastor ken wide open with the exception of 2 homeless men.) and ken spoke on "pedestals" and "stonings" with enough humor to keep us on our toes - and enough conviction to keep us on our knees. and then we thanked him at the door and headed on our way.
we walked back down church street and towards printers alley ... our blatant reminder of a fallen world. however this time we weren't able to walk back down the alley. as we approached, so did an ambulance which stopped at the end of the street. EMTs quickly prepared gurney and gloves for whatever the alley would provide. and wade and i burdened by our gang of pirates tried to get a look but were blocked by 2 cop cars and another rescue vehicle.
i felt empty most of the day. and cried to myself while sitting in a hot bath. (this has become the thing i do. my symbolic way of burning off the day and my grief ... the more unbearably hot the better of course.)
i've been reading a recommendation of wade's "how to be good". yes - chuckle ... it sounds like wade has prescribed me a "do it yourself" manual to the perfect woman. however - the book is very different than what i expected. you'll have to read it yourself - though hopefully you won't be as disappointed as i about the ending. hornby has a way of being anticlimactic ... and this book is no exception. but it has had a very good message ... and it has made me aware of how "good" i try to be - and am only kidding myself.
"i'm a good person. in most ways. but i'm beginning to think that being a good person in most ways doesn't count for anything very much, if you're a bad person in one way."
yowch.
i was exhausted from a long day of work. exhausted and by 6 ... ready for bed. parallel parking isn't the easiest for me (can i be blamed? i'm from a town of 1,500 people. you don't need to know how to parallel park in petersburg, illinois.). all this to say parallel parking at 6 is my demise. but i found the perfect spot less than a block from the stahlman - and i was determined.
little did i know that walking down 3rd at that very minute was my own personal parking attendant. so i took his advise and turned the wheel clockwise and then counterclockwise and then reversed and turned clockwise some more until he gave me the universal symbol for safe. (okay - maybe not universal - but i play kickball ... and have at least learned this much.) i gathered up my belongings and expressed how grateful i was for his help. as i turned to walk home, my p.a. (parking attendant) told me that he wasn't from around here and would really appreciate it if i had any cash so that he could get back to jackson, tn.
well - again having lived here for nearly 2 months i have learned not to carry cash. it just makes me feel guilty walking past so many homeless ... and i'm not a good liar even if it is for my "safety". so i was able to honestly admit to p.a. that i didn't carry cash. this is where i have learned i am supposed to take exit ... but i'm still in training. so i smiled and he asked if i could possibly buy him something to eat then. now this - i could do!
we crossed the street to the little convenient store at church and 3rd. and sadly i did lie ... i told him that i didn't have an atm card so i couldn't take cash out of their little machine for him. and again encouraged him that i would buy him dinner. no not cigarettes p.a. - just dinner. and i did: a bowl of noodles, a sandwich, beef jerky, chips, and a gatorade. some dinner!
i couldn't help but be astonished with my purchase on the way home. you see - i'm pretty close to broke. well i'm always broke this time of the month. payday is ahead ... and in the meantime i use credit. and then next month will be cyclic - i'll pay off this months debt and then will gather up new debt for my september paychecks. i grumbled to myself something about if i were hungry i would have settled for a simple sandwich ... and prepared my future dialogue. "but i would be happy to buy you a sandwich and a drink. that's right JUST a sandwich and a drink."
i'm embarrassed to admit that i felt this way. embarrassed but aware that the only one i really care to know how bitter and selfish and "not good" i can be ... already is very aware of this. embarrassed that my pride allowed me to think "well at least the cashier and others that saw me doing something good for p.a. might be aware of their need to love on someone else too." embarrassed that i immediately categorized p.a. as one of those pedestal homeless that pastor ken had mentioned ... yet i was one of those pedestal middle class persons that pastor ken had also mentioned. embarrassed that in the end i failed at buying p.a. a meal ... and that i didn't smile at the pirates.
dddang ...
one more reason for single girls to be jealous of their betrothed friends.
CHECK IT OUT!
that's right - the folks from finland do it right!!!
beautiful brides and brides to be ...
what a weekend!!!
emily and ant finally after 5+ years of dating are mr. and mrs. piedmonte. :) and they were so cute. wade and i giggled (well i giggled, he ... chuckled?) through their whole wedding because they were so cute ... and looked so in love. and it was as if they were in their own world and we were no longer present as soon as they saw each other. both of them cried. emily had a tissue to wipe her eyes - and ant played it tough pretending he wasn't teary. however he finally gave in and borrowed em's tissue to wipe his eyes and his nose ... and then get this - gave it back to her!
even with such a lovely wedding and reception ... my favorite moment of the day was the bridal brunch. i had never been to a bridal brunch before (must be a southern thing - though i might steal it). all of em's friends gathered at one end of the room to giggle over old stories and of course tease about the wedding night. meanwhile her mom, aunts and close friends met at the other end of the room to do the same. then her aunt read a bible passage and we all prayed over emily and anthony and their marriage. it was such a sweet moment.
did i mention that she made the most beautiful bride ...
(pictures from the wedding are on the picture page. and i might upload a couple of her lovely bridal pictures - though they are copyright secured. so NO printing!)
also just saw engagement pictures of joanna and steven. cute cute cute. i need to figure out how to upload some of these too. :)
WEDDINGS WEDDINGS WEDDINGS!
obsession ...
yes i've titled this blog obsession ... because it applies both to what i'm about to write about below ... and to the whole idea of my blogging in general. notice: this is entry #3 for today alone!!! best - i'm pretty sure that NO ONE know about this blog ... so it's like talking to myself. only legal. maybe that's why i enjoy blogging so much. finally i'm assumed to be normal
that's write the TOP 25 SKINNIEST COUNTIES IN THE U.S.
1. marin county, CA
2. san francisco county, CA
3. williamson county, TN ... that's right franklin and brentwood!
4. maury county, TN ... and don't forget spring hill!
unbelievable, eh? i would have totally assumed that the top 5 skinniest counties would be beachside or mountain top. but nope - tennessee has caught up!
while my mum was in town last weekend she pointed out that there's something in the water in central tennessee. i'm not sure about the water - but it's definitely different on the horizon. in illinois billboards are for john deere or state farm life insurance ... and occasional "do you know where you're going when you die?" extremists. but driving down i-65 through nashvegas is a completely different experience. there's vein removal, day spas, botox, plastic surgery ...
and it's not just the billboards. you know how they've started advertising in the stalls (which i must admit is brilliant - talk about a captivated audience) ... well last night at rumors on 12th i read one that said "and who says 27 is too young for a facelift". FO REAL!
though i live in davidson county - number 2,780 on the list (okay ... kidding - i have no clue), i go to church in williamson county. and i will admit i've noticed beautiful people. a 50 year old in williamson county is hipper than any teenager i've ever seen in illinois. truth. and my 4th grade sunday schoolers last year were extremely into beauty and style already ... them: "is that purse gucci?" me (said with shoulders shrugged and my typical sunday morning dumbfound facade): "uh no - i got it at target. but it was on clearance!?!"
yah yah yah - i get it. everyone in nashville wants a record deal. and those that don't ... already have one. heck i spend my 9-5 making pretty people prettier and skinny people skinnier. i thin up knee caps, fill in bald spots, remove moles and nose hairs, and add texture to "hip" up the old guys.
all this to say ... is it any wonder that i sometimes feel like sara plain and tall. gosh i wish i were bigger than that.
hair ... ugh.
i'm debating what i want to do with my hair. chop it off - grow it out - die it blue - dreadlocks? currently finances (or lack thereof) have encouraged me to "grow it out". but i'm BORED! and tired of feeling like sara plain and tall.
today i found a really cute haircut while checking out a photographer in towns portfolio - and i decided to try it on via photoshop. what do you think??? i know i need to keep in mind that we have completely different types of hair, i'm not tan, and i don't look like her in a bikini - but mama kinda likes.
sunshine ...
first and foremost - happy birthday leigh-cole! :) hope you have a wonderful birthday.
i haven't been feeling well this week. my back hurts, i have had a headache since 2pm on wednesday, i've had a fever and the sweats the past 2 nights allowing me to get about 1.5 hours of sleep total, and all of this of course leaves me grumpy, on edge, and well ... sad for no apparent reason.
luckily ... this time around - i'm aware that it's just PMDD. laura explains it as that family member you just can't stand - but you have to tolerate because they're not going anywhere and they're a part of you. even worse than a visit from "aunt flo". but i finally have an explanation for why i've become jekyll and hyde. and best ... i can tell myself to snap out of it because nothing is actually wrong with me or in my world. my hormones just want me to believe opposite. (stupid hormones.)
so this morning on my way to work ... i decided to remind myself of all the good things that are happening in my life. example - yesterday on my way home from work ... i passed a group of young business men sitting on some benches on church. wait not just any group - there was wade! so i catcalled him ... and then he smiled and ran over to hitch a ride. it was so good to see him. thinking about that moment - and many others ... i couldn't help but smile. and while i was walking to my car i passed another woman that was smiling - cheek to cheek - a big toothy smile. she looked so happy. (and not crazy happy ... like you see a lot living down town!) i was reminded to be joyful.
to top it off ... when i got to work for some reason i had "i'm walking on sunshine" on my mind. to make it through fridays i usually end up playing the 80s. to explain - i have an entire 80s collection on iTunes thanks to my boss JT. he bought me the "like ohmygosh 80s pop culture box" with 7 CDs of the greatest 80s songs (in chronological order might i add). so i pushed random play ... and first song "i'm walking on sunshine". unbelievable!
"rejoice in the Lord always; and again i saw rejoice." - philippians 4:4
baby fever ...
okay ... i've already mentioned that a big chunk of my friends are getting married this summer. i think we have 13+ weddings between wade and i. woo hoo! add to each wedding bridal showers, bachelorette parties, bridal brunches, lingerie showers, rehearsal dinners ... it's going to be a pretty crazy summer. (please don't take offense my little brides and grooms-to-be. i'm so excited for each and every one of you!)
of those few friends not getting married this summer ... several of our already married friends are having babies! so today - when work got a little slow i decided to go check out morphthings.com to see what wade and my kids would look like. SCARY!
third and union ...
as most of you know, i moved into a loft smack dab in the middle of downtown nashville. and i'm LOVING it. better even than an amazing view and messes that are only mine ... are the little encounters i have had with others living around me: - on the ride home from work ... i was feeling a bit "woe is me". i saw 3 homeless men sitting on a bench together laughing. something was killer funny - toothless (or toothlittle) mouths wide open, knee slapping funny. it's hard to feel bad for yourself living downtown among the homeless. i think God wanted to remind me of this.
- one night while waiting for ash to come over, i was waiting on the corner of third and union. and an suv with 4 black guys pulled up at the stop light. i could hear one of the guys yelling "hey sexy" out the window at a beautiful black girl that was crossing the street. she didn't pay an attention to them - so they turned their attention to me. however ... i must say their "hey snowflake" wasn't quite as appealing! ha!
- there's an elderly homeless man that i often see practicing his karate moves in the reflection of the glass windows down union street. he's serious - but i can't help but chuckle (that's right - i said chuckle)! i'll try to snap a picture the next time i see him.
just getting interested? don't worry! there will be more! many more!!!
