Bear is fighting his battle with cancer, but losing his life to the treatment.
This is my last pic that prompted me to take him to the emergency room
Watching The Kids Swim
Bear & Mini Me Bear
Happy Times
Sleeping on Mom's side
My little Asian Angels will also grieve in their own little ways
38 MINUTES TO LIVE
Will always be in my heart
WED FEB 11, 2009 (Bear has 2 hours & 38 minutes to Live)
Around midnight, I take Bear outside (it's still raining hard and the wind is really blowing) and he just walks over to a spot on the grass and lies down. Ok, maybe he needs a change of scenery, so we go out of the backyard and into the front. Again, he just goes over to a place on the grass and lays down.
Ok, now, I'm thinking, it's late, poor Bear is tired, I'm tired and I know he's getting tired of me taking him out in the rain and saying "pee-pee pooh Bear" "pee-pee." So, I tell Bear "Come on pooh Bear, let's go inside." He just looked at me for a long moment and then reluctantly got up.
WED FEB 11, 2009 (Bear has 38 minutes to Live)
At 2 a.m., I was in the office on the computer researching Cytoxan and trying to find any articles to read about other dogs that had this same drug so I could see what their results were. But just about everything I found indicated very few problems with this drug.
About that time, Bear who had been laying in the den on his pillow came in my office over to me and nudged me with his nose. That was a good sign!!! Yes, that's a GREAT SIGN!!!
I tell Bear "we made it big boy, we made it." Now, he looked like he was smiling and he wanted me to pet him. I was thrilled and hugged him and told him how big and strong he was. He stood there for just a few minutes looking at me and seemed happy while I rubbed his ears. My camera was on my desk and I even took a picture of his sweet smiling face.
I'm thinking... ok, now we are ready to fight another day!
But for some reason as I looked into his eyes, it seemed like our eyes just locked. I knew we had to leave and go to the vet .... right now. (this was so odd, because really, he looked better, he was acting better and at that moment he was displaying more energy than I had seen all day.) But something, I don't know what, just something pushed a panic button in me and all I knew is ......NOW.......
I woke up Marty so he could help keep the other pups out of the car so I could get Bear into it with as little excitement as possible. At my house all the pups love the car and if they knew Bear was getting to go somewhere... well, in their minds, they would too.
While I was gathering up Bear's medical paperwork, I called the emergency clinic to tell them that we were coming and give them a brief reason for our visit. I wanted to make sure that there was someone there and ready for us. They told me that they didn't usually treat Cancer patients, but that if needed they could stabilize a cancer patient until they could be seen by their treating vet. That's all I needed to hear! I told them we were on our way and would be there in about 20 minutes.
Bear had left my office area and was now back on his pillow in the den. I could hear Marty calling out "Bear, Bear, ... here, let's go Bear, Bear.." That struck me as odd. If Bear thought he was going in the car he was always up for it!
Bear stood up and was wobbly, off balance and he laid back down. Marty went over and gently picked him up and carried him to the van and placed him on the quilts and pillows that we had long since put in there for him.
The clock is now ticking - Bear has 38 minutes to Live
I took off running right down the side of my driveway. (The deep rut made is still there as a reminder to me of that night.) It was raining and the wind was blowing so hard that I was having a difficult time staying straight on the highway. But I did manage to quickly glance back at Bear every so often to check on him and if I leaned way back I could just manage to with my right hand to give his rear hip area a gentle pat and rub. The entire time I was talking to him and telling how it was going to be ok and that we were going to get through this together. Really, I was just trying to talk and sing to keep him calm.
We were just a few minutes from the clinic and all of a sudden there was a strong, odd odor. I remember looking at the clock on my dash and it said 2:38 a.m. My thoughts were that the car ride had caused him to have a bowel movement. I immediately started telling him that he was such a good boy that it was ok. I even reached back to give him another pat, but I couldn't reach far enough back to touch him this time. He must have scooted just a little further out of my reach. It was too dark to see anything other than his outline in the darkness, so I just continued talking and telling him how strong he was and that everything was going to be alright.
HURRY....HURRY, PLEASE SOMEONE, BEAR NEEDS HELP!
The rain was pounding down as I jumped out of the car heading around to open Bear's door and at the same time see the staff inside looking at us. I begin motioning for them to come....yelling, "Hurry, please hurry Bear needs help."
I remember worrying about Bear getting wet.
As I opened the van door I see that Bear is laying parallel to it facing the inside of the car. (He must have turned over as I think Marty put him in the car with him facing the door) I reach down to comfort him and he was still. I grabbed him, hugged him and begged him to please hang in there... just hang in there. I'm thinking he must be so tired and thinking it's ok, you don't have to do anything.
Now, I'm yelling at the attendents to "HURRY, HURRY, BEAR NEEDS HELP, HURRY!" They have a gurney and are putting Bear on it in just a matter of seconds. I'm holding Bear's paw, rubbing his soft face and whispering to him "we're here, it's ok, we've made it." I'm patting and hugging him, not daring to let go of at least some part of his body and somehow still keeping step with the movement of the gurney hurrying him into the building.
I har my voice growing louder and louder now yelling, "hang in there Bear!" Come on buddy, we've made it..come on sweet boy Bear." "Please God Please... pleeeezzzeee!"
Then I heard "there is no pulse, he's gone..." My knees buckled and I couldn't stand. How could that be? He felt soft, he looked peaceful and relaxed and I swear that his eyes were opened just a little bit... yes, they were.. and and and....... All I could do was cry out "NO...NO..BEAR, NOOOOOOOO.. God Please...NO Godddddddd ....NO Pleeeezzzee."
My world had just came crashing in around me. I didn't think I would be able to breathe. I vaguely remember the gurney starting to pull away from me -- but, wait, when did I let go? I'm confused.
"Oh no, no Bear..." now, he is becoming distant. I remember his yellow/gold coat looked so clean and white and I remember seeing blood stains around his rectum & tail area. I remember seeing my beautiful sweet boy Bear lying very still and very peacefully going further and further away from me until.. until, I don't see him anymore.
Then I was alone. I don't remember how long I was there crying uncontrollably when the attending Vet came out with tissues. I vaguely remember her leading me to a chair and telling me to stay as long as I needed and asking if there was anyone they could call for me. Then I was alone again.
At that moment, I wondered where I was and then the vet appeared again. In her hand was Bear's familiar bright blue collar. She was holding it with such care as if it were a precious work of art. She extended her hands cradling this precious treasure towards me and softly said, "I think he would want you to have this."
I held his collar to my face and I could smell his doggy scent - it was Bear. As I cried, I remembered when I first brought it home for him. He was so proud of his new bright blue collar. He did a kind of "look at me" prance around the other dogs for the rest of the afternoon.
Then it hits me, my world has forever changed. My sweet boy Bear was gone. Gone? .... Again, I feel confused. All I know is I don't want to leave. How can I leave?
I walked out the door of the clinic and remember just standing there, feeling the rain and thinking how Bear loved the rain but was so terrified of thunder. Odd, but it didn't thunder - not once tonight.
I'm going home...without my Sweet Boy Bear. April 15, 1999 - February 11, 2009
(NOTE: Without an autopsy there is no way of knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt the technical cause of Bear's death. However, I don't need that to know that grave errors, careless mistakes, and ignorance led to Bear's death.
Research, retrospect & putting the pieces together along with journals & pictures paint a painful picture for me. Even today - 3 weeks later, I've learned something that brings me back to the photos and emails I sent to Bears treating Vet with my concerns about his bulging stomach. Remember, I was told it was just swollen lymph nodes. Go to the WHY Section and you tell me it those pictures look like swollen lymph nodes?