Journey to the Little Emperor - nathandianjiang

I can't believe Nathan is 3 today!  So last year I had some pretty strong reactions to not knowing the actual date of his birthday.  This year, I haven't had those feelings (at least not yet), but I do have an emptiness.  I don't have any feelings of this day.  I can't recount how nervous and excited I was on this day 3 years ago.  3 years ago, I probably got up, went to work and then came home.  An ordinary day, but somewhere in China my son was being born.  Other adopted parents always caution that you should never make family day a bigger deal than your child's birthday.  Before we adopted Nathan, I was wondering how anyone could make anything bigger than your child's birth.  But I understand now.  While his birthday is a big party with family and friends and lots of gifts, and his family day is a small celebration at Friendlys, my emotional connection to the two days if totally different.  Family day brings all of those emotions that probably most mothers feel before they give birth.  I was excited, nervous, happy, nervous, did I say, nervous?  Ron tells me that one day, I will have warm memories of his birthday, and he's probably right.  But I will never have, and even sadder still, will never be able to give Nathan the stories from that day. 

As to not on end on a low note.... Nathan has been doing tons of cute stuff lately.  He's constantly changing at this age; it really is an amazing thing to watch.

Yesterday, he and I were playing with his toy cars.  I told him that I brought him those cars in China.  He asked me why.  I told him because he didn't have a lot of toys in China, and I wanted to bring him some.  Then I told him that his mei-mei probably doesn't have many toys right now either.  He started putting his cars in a box.  When asked why, he said he was going to bring them to his mei-mei in China.  Too sweet!

This morning, Nathan and I were playing with a pretend birthday cake.  When I asked him what he wished for, he said mama!  :-)

So last night, I tried the birthfamily discussion again.  The million other times I tried, my son was never listening, and the one time he was, he got so confused!  He knows he was born in China and knows he was adopted, but I am sure he doesn't understand any of that (but then what almost 3 year old would?)  The one time he was listening, and I told him he had another mother first in China, he stopped and thought about it for a while.  Then he announced that yes he did and it was nai-nai!  Ugh - lol!  Well, his thinking makes sense; Ron's mom does live in China now.  I didn't want him thinking Ron's mom was his birthmom, so I just tabled the discussion.  

Last night when I tried again, I told him he had another mother in China for a little, and then he went to live with his foster bo-bo and foster pop-pop.  And he stayed there until mama and baba could get him.  I asked him what he thought about all that.  He told me he was sad at foster bo-bo and pop-pop's because he wanted his mama and baba and he missed us.  Just melted my heart into a big puddle.  Love my baby!

Speaking of babies, we are adopting again!  We started the process for #2 a little over a month ago.  We are hoping to travel to China in the beginning of 2013.  Nathan already talks about his mei-mei.  He even made a picture for her yesterday.  He loves the moon and is obsessed with talking and learning about it.  We told him when the moon isn't visible, it's in China watching over his mei-mei.  :-) 

To search or not to search, that is the question.  For many adoptive parents, it is one that they grapple with.  For us, the answer is simple, we will search, but the reasoning behind it isn’t. 

Before we brought our son home, I always said I would support his decision to search or not to search.  But it was his decision to make, not mine.  So forward-thinking and loving, I thought, to acknowledge that it’s my son’s choice.  How noble of me to take myself out of the equation.  But I shouldn’t take myself out of the equation because I will always be a part of my son’s equation.  And so will his birth mother.  Then I realized that, for me, allowing him to make that choice alone was actually a way of transferring the heavy burden of whether or not to search and how to process that information on to the shoulders of a child – my child. The decision to wait until my son “decides” is nothing more than ignoring my duties as his mother. 

Let me explain why….As parents, bio or adopted, we make decisions every day for our children, both simple – what to wear and eat – and complex – what church to worship at and what is acceptable moral behavior.  To us, family is important.  As a matter of fact, nothing is more important.  I know with every fiber of my being that I am Nathan’s mother, not his real mom or forever mom or American mom; just his plain-old, everyday, mom.  But he has a birthmother, who is family.  And for me, family is family no matter what.  He, and by extension, myself and husband, have family in China. 

Reasons why parents should search:

1)  The younger you start, the warmer the search trail. 

2)  Because I couldn’t think of an acceptable answer to my future teenage son’s question of “why didn’t you search when I was young?”  I was waiting until you were old enough to decide seems like a pretty lame response.

Addressing Arguments against searching:

3)  Argument: The search fees are too cumbersome.  Answer: If we adopted internationally, we all spent at least $25,000 bringing our children home.  If we could save or fundraise that huge cost, we can save or fundraise $500. 

4)  Argument: I don’t know what I am going to find, and I want to protect my child from a harmful story.  Answer: We can’t protect them from everything.  Loved ones die, they lose something precious; we teach them about charity through volunteering and donating toys.  We will share what’s age appropriate and love and parent them through the rest.  I have faith in my mommy abilities.

For all the unknowns, the answer to the question is simple – search. 

So I went to the gyn for my annual check-up.  Well, let me back-up; I went to a new gyn for my annual check-up.  I was going to Abington - the same place I had infertility treatment done, and I decided it just wasn't working for my mental health.  The last time I went (October 2010) I started sobbing, and I do mean sobbing, in the hallway.  When I called to make my appointment because they forgot my reminder call, I ended up getting into an arguement with the secretary regarding notice.  I cried when I got off the phone.  So, I thought moving to a different practice would help. 

Fast forward to today.  Did I sob uncontrollablly?  No.  Did I tear up?  Yes.  But more than that I felt HATE.  When I write the word, I feel HATE - angry, strong, primal.  Something like I never felt before.  Every fiber of my being wants to run from that place screaming.  The experience is raw, visceral.  I will do anything to leave, to escape.  I think it must be how an angry, scarced, cornered animal feels - dangerous and crazy.  And boy, do I feel crazy because on some level I just don't get it.  Why the extreme, strong reaction?  I did well during treatment.  Not only did I survive, I thrived (as did my marriage), and I always say I wouldn't change my experience.  But I wonder, do I want to re-live it?  I think that's what must be happening.  And as much as I have rationalized the positives (stronger sense of self, greater persceptive, better marriage, and of course amazing son), the physical pain, crippling disappointment, and mental anguish were also real outcomes and emotions of that year. 

My negativity is further compounded because I feel like I am being judged.  I feel like when I get upset because of infertility treatment, people think I am upset because my son isn't "good enough".  So I ramble on about him in a crazy kind of way to prove that my reaction has nothing to do with him.  I am ashamed that I feel the need to justify my feelings.  I love my son with my whole heart and I AM HIS MOTHER.  I am more sure of that then anything.  But I hate that most of the outside world sees those things as interwined - if I am sad about infertility, it means that my son isn't "good enough".  And nothing could be further from the truth. 

To those of you in a similar situation, those who love their children though adoption with the same tenacity and unconditional spirit as any other mother and who have experienced the depthless grieve of infertility, I say to you: you are stronger than you know, and you are loved.   

So, Nathan doesn't have any physical problems causing his sleep issues - yippee and not yippee at the same time.  Still, sleeping in a separate room with a/c unit running has at least helped Ron and I sleep because we can't hear all of his sleep distruptions at night.  Now he just comes into our room in the morning and wakes me up.  It would be cute, if I wasn't always before 7am. 

His potty-training yet well and was super-easy!  He does a great job with his poops and has no problem letting me know when he has to go.  He doesn't poop anywhere but home - too funny!  Pee is a still bit of a problem.  He announces that he has to pee but you then have to force him to go because he doesn't want to pull himself away from his activities.  I think we need to work on getting him to start walking into the bathroom by himself.

Within the last few weeks his speech has taken off.  He is now speaking in a multiple word phrases and he attempts almost all words now.  If you say steamroller, he says steam-roola (too cute)!

We are taking our first family vacation next week - heading to the Jersey shore!  So exciting!  I can't wait to see him experience the vastness of the ocean for the first time. 

Nathan loves new experiences and is fearless, so it should be great!

I feel like I have so much to update everyone on, but I guess I'll start with what motivated me to get on here in the first place.  Nathan has been part of our family for almost one year.  As the time draws near I marvel at how amazing he is and how different he is from a year ago.  I love him so much more than I ever thought possible.  Sometimes I find myself staring at him in awe.  He's so much bigger, and he's so bright!  He knows his colors, numbers, understands everything (waaaayyyy too much), is kind, stubborn, funny, and totally amazing!  I went back to work full-time a month ago, and while I love my new job, I honestly would rather be home with Nathan.  Who would have thought?  The other day Nathan asked me "why" (I forget the context).  It was the first time he used a word that wasn't an object, action, or feeling; pretty cool.

Nathan started potty-training this weekend, and it went really well.  He only had 2 accidents yesterday and 1 this morning.  I don't count them as real accidents because as soon as he felt the pee, he said "uh-oh, pee" and we ran him to the bathroom.  Hopefully his daycare provider can maintain it.  Plus he needs to be potty-trained so he can start pre-school in the fall. 

Nathan's end to co-sleeping went fine.  His night terrors still exist, but they didn't increase when we ended co-sleeping.  So we had our sleep study at CHOP at the end of May.  The hooked Nathan up to a ton of wires on his head, leg, and chest.  It looked terribly uncomfortable.  They also recorded him all night.  They were monitoring him for respiratory problems - which can be common in cleft kids.  Long story short, when I asked the nurse around 12:30am if he thought anything was wrong with Nathan, he said yes.  But by 5am, he wasn't sure.  I was hoping Nathan's sleep issues had an underlying physical cause so we could treat them.  Alas, no dice.  Did he have an aphnea episode?  Yeap, but just twice.  Did his oxygen levels drop dangerously low?  Yeap, but only once.  Did he reverse breathe(ok, so I forget the techincal term)?  Yeap, a few times.  Does he snore?  A bit.  But the nurse felt like there wasn't enough episodes to say anything definite.   Of course, they saw his night terrors, all of them, in their glory.  They had to come and get me during one of them because they couldn't calm him down.  I come in, and he calms down.  CHOP told me I should have the report in about a week, so I plan on following up this week since it's been 2 weeks. 

We decided to co-sleep with our son when we found out that he was co-sleeping with his foster parents.  We thought it would ease his transition and help with bonding.  We planned on doing it for a month or so, then move him to the crib in our room, and then into the crib in his own room (all by sometime in the fall).  If you asked us about sleeping arrangements before we knew anything about Nathan, we would have said that our plan was to put Nathan into the crib in our room; we didn't even consider co-sleeping. 

I can tell you now that co-sleeping, at least for us, helped with bonding more than anything else.  I don't know it works with everyone, but for our son, it did.  He isn't a very affectionate child, and night-time is the only time he really allows snuggling.  He also had night terrors, and still has some pretty rough sleep issues, so being close gave him great comfort.  It also made me feel more connected with him.  Hands-down, we would do it again, and we plan on doing it with our second child too.

That being said... the down-side to co-sleeping...  My husband has been banished to the guest bedroom since July when we came home.  Our bed is a queen and our teeny-tiny son manages to take up an elephant-sized space in the bed.  And he rotates so his feet are in your face, your stomach, etc.  So, Ron needed to get some sleep, so he could function at work hence his banishment.

Last month we went to CHOP's sleep center because I thought we needed help and it was a HUGE waste of time - which I gotta say is saying something since I am a huge fan of anything CHOP.  Our son's sleep stuff (and our reason for co-sleeping) are 100% adoption-related.  So, please CHOP docs don't give me the textbook answer of put him in his crib and let him cry it out.  My favorite part of the sleep appointment was when the pyschologist told me that they did a study and adopted children don't have a higher incidence of sleep issues than non-adopted children.  It's adoptive parents' hyper-viligence that makes it seem that way. While I agree that adoptive parents can be hyper-viligent (and really, can you blame us?), I also believe that sometimes their issues are adoption-related.  When I told our International Doc what the pyschologist said she nearly had a heartattack. 

So, our appointment with the sleep center was the kick in the butt that I needed to end co-sleeping our way.  I decided that the "just pull the bandaid off" method wouldn't work for Nathan (or me!).  So, I decided to let him still co-sleep but fall asleep on his own.  In the sleep center's defense this is the key thing that they highlighted, and this was my biggest impetus to ending co-sleeping, to have him fall asleep on his own so I didn't have to stay in bed with him.  Normally I would put Nathan down (after books and pediasure) around 8:30pm - then he would play in bed (with the light out) and drive me crazy until he fell asleep around 9pm.  What happened at least 3 nights a week is I feel asleep as well, and then felt resentful because I didn't get any time to unwind or talk to Ron.  On the nights I didn't fall asleep, I would just join Nathan in bed around 11pm. 

About 4 weeks ago we decided to let him fall asleep on his own, and it was surprisingly easy.  We snuggled for a little and then I told him I was going to downstairs but that if he needed me he could call for me, that his stuffed animals would keep him company, that mama really needed him to do this, and that he was a big boy.  He looked a little hesitant but he did fine.  The next night it was easier, and within the week he was telling me that I was going downstairs and giving me my kiss.  So, I would just join him at 11pm.

Ron and I decided a crib wasn't the way to go for Nathan because he has never slept in one.  We moved the twin bed into his room and put the toddler bars on it.  So tonight, right now, for the first time, Nathan is sleeping in his own room (yippee and wah)!  He was a little hestiant, but he is doing ok so far.  I am probably going to have a hard time too.  I am going to miss him.  :-(  

Hopefully the update in a week will still be positive.   

we first saw a picture of our son! 

It wasn't an easy road leading to the adoption or even after, but it is one that I would never change. 

We chose Nathan a year ago, and we choose him again now and forever, a million times over.  I marvel everyday how we chose the perfect child for us.  Nathan's personality is so much like our's.

I put up a few fall photos - check them out!

We had our follow-up with the surgeon on Monday, and she confirmed that Nathan has no fistulas (holes in the mouth)!  His stitches have still not dissolved, so he has not totalled healed, but Nathan is free from his arm restraints and most of his dietary restrictions.  We have another follow-up in 4 weeks, and then he will be cleared to eat chips and sharp foods. 

In all liklihood Nathan won't have another surgery until age 6 to 9.  This will be the bone graft surgery.  I am hoping it will be a little easier because he can understand what's going on.  He may need cosemtic surgery to get rid of the extra skin he has inside his upper lip and may need to have a nose revision.  I think his nose is perfect that the doctor said it may not grow correctly. 

The International Adoption Doctor is concerned that Nathan is not having any catch-up growth.  If his height isn't increased by January then she is ordering endrocrine testing.  The testing beyond the blood testing is pretty invasive, so hopefully we won't need to have any testing done.

So, there will probably be even more typos than usual in this post because I haven't slept since whenever the surgery was.  Nathan is doing well with the pain, and he hasn't had any for at least the last 5 days, expect for his circumcision, and even that pain now is gone.  He isn't sleeping though.  At first I thought he was scared and I think that was the reason in the beginning, but now I think he's just pissed off about the arm restraints. We have our follow-up with the doctor on the 25th, and I am hoping that she tells me he doesn't have to wear them anymore and he can get off the soft food diet. 

Not to mention this morning that my paranoia is at an all time high.  I asked Nathan to open his mouth and say "ahhh", and I was convinced that I saw a fistula!!  (For those non-CL/CP parents: a fistula is an opening that appears after the palate is repaired.  It may or may not require another surgery to close.)

And I am deseparetly jealous of Sarah (hi, S!) who's daughter had her surgery a week after Nathan's, and she is sleeping through the night!  Ahhhhhh!  Last night, Nathan slept like 3 hours - meaning I slept like 2. Wah, wah, wah....

Nathan had his surgeries on Thursday the 7th at CHOP.  They took longer than expected which didn't do much for our worrying.  Nathan was in surgery for 5 hours, but almost all of that time was dedicated to the cleft palate repair; the ear tubes and circumcision were very quick. 

So, I need to talk about the circumcision first because I regret doing the procedure.  To be quite honest, I felt bullied into the procedure by the doctors and my husband.  I don't regret getting it done (because my husband wanted it done), but I regret getting it done at the same time as the ear tubes and cleft repair.  The tubes and palate were not elective surgeries; the circ was and could have waited until he was 3 or 4 years old.  He is in more pain from the circumcision, and he can't take a bath for 7 to 10 days!  He loves baths, and I am sure they would make him feel better.

So, the surgery itself....  The palate doctor said that his cleft was wider than she thought, but he did as well as can be expected and that, overall, she was pleased with the results.  We won't know for sure if there are any fistulas until 3 weeks out, but (knock on wood) there has not been any food out of his nose although his drooling has increased expontentially. 

They brought us into recovery early because Nathan was holding his breath until he almost passed out because he was so angry.  Once they brought us back his heart rate dropped and his oxygen levels increased.  I must say that made me feel good.  How amazing to know that Nathan really does love us!  It was hard to see him like that (note: if you an RQer, we have photos post-surgery, feel free to email me for them if you are considering this SN).  He looked so deeply sad. He had his tongue stitched to the inside of his cheek with the string running along the outside of his cheek and taped to his neck to keep his airway clear.  He did have a ton of blood out of his mouth and nose.  I was not prepared for how swollen his face and eyes were.  The night in the hospital was rough because I slept in the bed with him; he would get upset if I even went to the bathroom.  Friday morning he had his stitch out of his tongue.  We took off one arm restraint and let him play in the hospital playroom.  We could tell when it was time for medicine because he would start getting upset.  CHOP allowed us to leave because even though Nathan wasn't eating a lot, he was drinking fine. 

The first night home was rough because he would cry every half hour.  He wasn't in pain, but he was scarced.  Once I got into bed with him, he was much calmer.  We did wake him for pain meds which definitely was important.  In the hospital, the antibotic was making him have dirraha.  Unfortunately some got under his circumcision bandages and they had to removed early.  Every time we change his diaper he has a breakdown.  Did I mention I regret getting the cirumcision?!   

Saturday was much better.  He played all day without his arm restraints and didn't really try to put his fingers in his mouth.  (Thanks to my mom and brother for the kitchen playset which kept him amused for over 2 hours!)  He  didn't seem to be in much pain, but the ear drops were starting to bother him and so was the codine.  Saturday night he put out his arms so we could put the restraints on him (I really think he is the easiest-going, kindest kid every) and he only woke up once.  Ron couldn't calm him, but I was able to get him down in under 10 minutes.

Today is different, and I am afraid that the better he starts to feel, the worse it is going to get. His pain appears to be almost gone (from the palate repair), but he isn't cleared to resume his normal life and won't be until the 25th.  I am pretty sure that by the middle of the week he'll be feeling better, but he will still need arm restraints at night and during nap and he will only be allowed to eat soft foods.  The soft foods are already driving him crazy.  It is only a matter of time before our eating machine camps out in the kitchen desperately begging for "real food".  He is starting to get cranky, and I am sure that this is only the beginning. 

So Nathan's surgery to repair his soft and hard palate is Thursday.  He is also having ear tubes and a circumcision - how much pain can we put one kiddo in?  If you ask me how I am feeling about it, I'll tell you fine because when it comes to big emotional medical things I just close off my emotions.  Although I did have a panic attack Monday night, so not closed to the subconsious mind unfortunately. 

I am concerned about the surgery failing and recovery though.  What if he has a huge fistula open?  What if he gets hurt and busts his mouth open?  Can he (and Ron and I) handle arm restraints for 3 weeks?  Remember this is the boy who runs, jumps, and climbs on everything.  I know already that the liquid and soft food diet is going to send him over the edge.  His food issues are much better now then China, but he still begs for food.  Ron and I are going to have to eat in shifts when he is upstairs with the other one. 

So, because I have no feelings to share (because I buried them until I have a nervous breakdown Thursday - haha) I decided to talk about stinkies!  Nathan does the cutest thing when he is making a stinkie.  He takes my hands and bares down!  If he is in the middle of playing, he'll run over with a sense of urgeance and grab my hands.  It is too cute!

Another cute thing.... he doesn't talk but he uses baby sign language... he walks up to other kids on the playground that are on a piece of equipment that he wants to use and tells them that they are "all done".  I love that he is a piece of work.   

He also loves the Eagles!  He won't watch more than 15 minutes of children's programming at a time (and that's on a good day), but he will watch 2 quarters of an Eagles game!  He raises his arms for a touchdown, and he loves the Eagles fight song. 

So one of Nathan's favorite past-times is looking at photos and videos, especially of himself.  He loves pointing out all the people he knows. 

We were showing him photos from our trip to China when he pointed to another album.  It has pictures from before we adopted him.  It includes Dianjiang, his home town, and pictures of his foster family.  He didn't know what was in the album; he just knew there were photos that he wanted to see. 

Well, about 3 weeks after he came home we showed him a photo of his foster family.  He just stared at the photo, got really quiet and seemed sad, so we decided not to show him the photo again until he would allow us to comfort him. 

Well, we let him look at the photos.  When he looked at the photos of Dianjiang, he was very serious and intense.  When he got to the photo of his foster family, he stared and stared, got quiet, and his eyes clouded with tears.  Then he pointed to his foster father and then his foster mother and started to sign "more" over and over again.  It broke my heart.  I tried my best to keep from sobbing.  How I wish he could have a relationship with them!  We did pass a note when in China, but I have no idea if the SWI even delivered it.  So many other children don't remember, yet our son does.  Part of me hopes he loses the memory so I can fill it in for him without the pain.  But a larger part of me hopes he never loses the memories and the feelings.  So many children don't have them, but our son is lucky enough to have kept them.  He was loved so much, and when he is older I will show him the videos of his foster family.  Tonight, it hurts, and tonight, I do wish I had the fast forward button.   

If I had written this post a few days ago when I was thinking about it then the tone would have been different than today.  Oh what a difference a few days make!  I was feeling overwhelmed, feeling like Nathan would never really trust us.  I think many of us who adopt, myself included, wish we could push the fast forward button on all the adjustment and bonding stuff and get to the part where we begin being a family.  I long for the day when I no longer worry that Nathan could easily replace me with another mama, another family. 

But if I did push this fast forward button, oh how much I would miss!  All the little changes that become so magnified through the lense of adoption.  To hear him say mama and look for me, to be out in public and have him no longer run away, to have him follow the rules, and the best of all, to have him hug me without being asked!  All these steps on the journey to becoming a family would be missed with the fast forward button!   

Every day I feel more confident as a parent, more in control, and more patient.  Not only do I think this has to do with time, I also think it's because I fall more in love with our son every single day.  I marvel at how smart he is and how much like my husband and I he really is.  He loves to cook and eat (like Ron), he's so smart (like mama, and ok, like Ron), he's ridiculous (like his mama), loves the Eagles (like his mama), loves to dance and isn't that good at it (like his mama on both counts), has a kind heart (like us both), has a love of the outdoors and dare-devil sports (like Ron), and has more bravery than I thought possible in a child.  How grateful can one mama be?  :-)

I am attached a few photos from the Moon Festival and the Arboretum.  Nathan's surgery is next week, and I am in denial so please start putting some prayers and good thoughts out there!   

So this posting is a little late, but the trama for me is no less fresh!  We went to look at a daycare center on Thursday - yikes!  I can sum it up in one word - chaotic!  I don't know why I thought it wouldn't be.  Afterall, there are over 150 kids in the same building; it's going to be a little noisy.  My reaction was immediate and visceral.  Oh, and it's $1100 a month and doesn't include meals or diapers.  I guess after working with home-based child care providers for the last 5 years I am a little biased.  

We are meeting with the home-based provider that I really like on Monday.  The smaller size (WAY SMALLER), the consistency of teacher, the home-setting, and greater attention all add up, in my opinion, to better care.  Not to mention that it is way more affordable. 

Still, I want to be able to stay home with Nathan, but I need to earn some money!!!  I never lamented our hand with infertility and adoption.  Never got upset that we had to spend over $50,000 to become parents, and other people have them the old-fashioned way for free.  I always said how grateful I was that we had the money to spend.  As a glass half-empty person, I had the amazing ability throughout our journey to parenthood to be a glass half-full person.  Nah, I something even more than glass half-full, more like three-quarters full, lol.  But now I am bitter.  Although spending the money before was painful, it was leading us to something we wanted - parenthood.  I happily wrote every check.  But because of all that, we are once again forced to do something.  This time not for medical reasons but for financial.  

I don't want to go to work, but I gotta go to work, so I can make enough money, so I don't have to work!!!  

On a happier note, check out our son's video!  This kid has enough personality and energy for an entire daycare's worth of kids! 

So, I took Ron to lunch for his birthday, and we left Nathan with my mom - yikes!  The good news is that I only called once to check on him but wanted to call more.  We were only gone 3 hours, but when we came home Nathan had colored on the couch and he wet the bed because apparently diapering is not like riding a bike, once you learn it, you can forget it.  (Thanks, Mom!)  Everything was wet except Nathan's diaper!  

When we came home, Nathan didn't smile when he saw me or hug or kiss me.  Ugh.  My mom said he didn't look for us.  He was obviously mad and sad.  And he has been having night terrors ALL NIGHT already (this is the worst they have been since China).  Normally when Ron comes home from work, he runs to the door to greet him with smiles and giggles.  When I am in a different room for a while, and I come in, Nathan has that same reaction.  A few folks on my yahoo group said that their kids are having night terrors because they are worried about their parents leaving them; makes sense.  There are tons of bio kids (myself included) that have this fear - worrying about their parents leaving/not coming back/dying/etc.  The sad thing is that our son and all adopted children have already experienced these loses.  In our son's case, he has had this loss twice already with his birth family and foster family.  How does he know that when he closes his eyes that we'll still be there?  Everyone else has been taken from him.  The one time I didn't co-sleep with Nathan, he ignored me all morning and then when he finally did engage he kept hitting me.  I am upset (I was day when I came home), but it's part of the process.  The cornerstone of bonding is trust.  And the process toward trust isn't linear.  He is still learning to trust, and I am absolutely amazed at much progress he has made (and us)!

We (family of 3) have come SO far, but we still have far to go.   

are on the loose in my house!!  Nathan has started speaking!!  He has been using baby sign language for the last 4 weeks or so (he does eat, more, and all done - he doesn't do more because I don't know any more!), but he has only recently started making sounds for items.  Unfortunately, he only makes sounds, and not word sounds.  He started by imitating the cats' crying unsolicited.  Ron taught him to make monkey sounds and scratch his tummy.  He occassionally imitates dogs - which he loves, especially when they lick his face.  Last night, when we were reading an animal book he made the sound of a duck.  His quack, quack is something that other people can definitely understand.  And tonight he imitated the sound of a car - vroom, vroom.  The only "word" he says is mama, and he uses it for EVERYTHING.  So much progress. 

Last night we took Nathan to Senator Greenleaf's community event.  He loved dancing at the puppet show.  It was too funny.  I'll try to video him at home and then post it. 

Nathan had his first offical playdate on Thursday - the 12th - with Samantha at the Little Treehouse.  I know this isn't a revelation, but there are a lot of differences between boys and girls.  The girls were playing nice at stations throughout the room; the boys, mine included, were running as fast as they could leaving a wake of destruction.  Though they didn't actually play together, they did take toys from each other a few times!

On Friday I decided to see if Nathan would hug me (since he hugs Edgar - his stuffed elephant that Uncle Todd gave him).  Easy, easy!  He had no problem hugging - though he kind of hugs just my arm.  He also occassionally kisses me unsolicited!  Now, if I could just get him to kiss with his mouth closed.....

Nathan's surgery is scheduled and is October 7th.  This is later than I had hoped for because I need to return back to work.  I really have starting to have some serious anxiety about the surgery and returning to work.  Not only do I feel like they will arrest bonding, I feel like it will set it back.  Ugh....

So, I didn't think I would keep updating the blog after I came home since I started this basically as a way to share photos and some updates in China, but I feel like this is a great way for me to record things that are going on with Nathan until I have a chance to record them somewhere else. 

So, tonight we read our first book in its entirety!  And guess which one it was (he picks his own books and definitely has preferences)?!  I Love You Through and Through!  Needless to say I was a little chocked up when I finished.  I think he listened the whole time because he was so tired, but so what?, I'll put another check in the victory column. 

Nathan is beginning to respond to his name though, not consistently.  Although if he is busy, it's hard to get his attention. 

He still refuses to acknowledge me as mama (which I will admit, breaks my heart).  I don't know if it's better or worse that he knows that that is what we want him to call me, and he still refuses.  But today, more progress still.  Ron asked Nathan (while we were in Michaels) where's mama, and he turned his head looking for me.  Then he was like, oh no, I am not supposed to act like I understand that.  Oh well. 

So a funny thing.... we are trying to get him on a schedule.  Only one nap and in the afternoon.  We want his schedule as follows: sleep 8:30/8:45pm to 6:30/6:45am and a nap after lunch (for 1.5 to 2.5 hours).  Anyway sometimes he falls asleep in the mornings, but we can't let him.  We found a funny and pleasant way to wake him up; we give him ice cream!  He perks right up!

His favorite toy is his ball popper (thanks Arpi and John) though he still loves his stacking cups

His favorite food is EVERYTHING but if we had to pick, we would pick ice cream

His favorite activity is definitely anything water-related (the bath, the pool, Sesame Place)

His favorite person (other than mama and baba) is Bobo

His least favorite thing is diapers (hates having changed, having them on, having them itch him)

His favorite song is Que Sera, Sera

He doesn't really watch tv, but Sesame Place can hold his attention for about 10 minutes

He loves running errands and is a super-flirt!

His wierdest fascination is with ceiling fans

His most normal fascination is with balloons and trucks (I guess he would love a truck carrying balloons)

His super-power is super-strength.  The kid is an ox!  On Monday, he helped carry in the groceries.  He brought in a bag holding cereal, bread, and a bottle of marniade.  Malnourished? I don't think so!

His other super-power?  Melting everyone's heart with his wonderful stink face smile!

We are so glad to be home!  Nathan is adjusting well to his new surrounds, and he is in LOVE with my mom.  He took to her so quickly (my mother says that he must like older women since his foster mother was older). 

On Wednesday we had his appointment with the CHOP Adopt program.  I can't say enough good things about the program!  We spent close to 2.5 hours with the doctors and 2 occupational therapists.  They were so kind and patient with Nathan and us.  Plus, we didn't have to worry about anything.  My other friends had to bring information regarding international adoption to their doctors, our's knew all the tests that needed to be ordered and then some!  By the end of the day we left with a 13 page report of his progress.

Nathan is doing super in his motor skills - fine and gross.  He loves to walk, run, climb stairs, and then walk some more.  He did have an ear infection, and he will need ear tubes.  He is also is pretty malnourished, so we had to switch him to pediasure (which costs a million dollars!) instead of formula and put butter, ranch dressing, and sour cream on everything he eats.  The doctor recommended swimming for bonding and muscle laxity.  Thank goodness our son is a fish!  I signed him up for classes at the YMCA, and we start in 3 weeks and go for 5.  His cleft team appointment is the beginning of August. His appointment for hernia is in a week and a half. 

Being in the CHOP waiting room was something to see.  There were children who were so much sicker than our son.  A little boy who had a breathing tube and his mother was arguing with her insurance company on the phone; the little girl with CP who had casts on both of her legs, who's father looked distracted and who's mother had nothing but love in her eyes.  And there were children with developmental delays pretty serious where parents looked so tired - in a way that no amount of sleep could fix.  And then there were children that were healthier as well.  But the one thing I saw in most of those faces - kids and adults alike - was strength.   

This morning Nathan broke into the drawer where we keep the food and got himself some crackers.  He really does have food issues though they are getting a little better each day.  His diapering and clothes changing issues are getting better as well.  Now if he does cry, he only does this little cry and doesn’t scream anymore.

This morning we went to the Buddhist Temple with 3 other families.  It was nice though hot, hot, HOT.  We also received a Buddhist blessing.  I thought when I had to kneel down with Nathan in my arms that he would run away from me so he could destroy, I mean explore, the temple, but the minute the ceremony started he was fixated on the monk – whew!

This afternoon, we just hit the pool.  We were in the kiddie pool for a little until he realized there was a bigger pool and that was the end of the baby pool.  While Ron was holding him he was paddling his arms and legs.  He also put his face in the water.  He absolutely loves swimming.  I am going to sign him up for the perch swimming class at our YMCA.  At the rate he’s going he should surpass Ron and I’s swimming skills by age 5!  At least I’ll have a child that can rescue me.

So I have been having some strong feelings regarding all of his impending surgeries.  Before I met our son, I always thought that I was strong enough to go through it.  Now the last thing I want to do is put him through these surgeries.  He is so strong, but they are so painful and difficult.  I am going to try my best to avoid the no-no’s (arm restrains) for his cleft surgery, but we may have no choice because he puts his fingers in his mouth.  Most kids are scared of the doctor, but our children are petrified, and unlike most kids, these kids have a reason to be.  Major surgeries scare even adults; children shouldn’t have to go through them.

We are so excited to be going home tomorrow!  It is sad though because even though it’s our son’s home too, it’s his new home, one that he is unfamiliar with.  I can’t believe how different he is from just 2 weeks ago!  From the skeptical little boy who kept giving me the stink eye and backing away to the child that LOVES to walk and reaches for me!  (We did the “test” this morning with Sarah.  Nathan reached for me and turned from her – yippee!) 

HOME, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL WORD, HERE WE COME!!!!

.... for Ron and I.  We both didn't feel great, so we had a low-key day.  Thank goodness for Amoxicillan!  We both started feeling better by the end of the day.  We didn't do anything in the morning expect confirm our flights and watch Nathan nap for 2.5 hours.  He still is not sleeping at night.  He has pretty severe night terrors and cries frequently.  He also trashes around non-stop.  We are going to video-tape him tonight.

In the afternoon we went back to the island and met a shop owner, Kenny.  He's a painter from Chongqing; one of his paintings is in the 3 Gorges Museum!  We teaches children in the orphanage how to paint scrolls.  Needless to say, I bought one.  He really was an amazing guy.  His shop is in the middle one in the arts and crafts store.  His prices are a little higher, but his stuff is for a great cause and well-worth it!!!  Thanks, Kenny for everything you do for this children!

We had dinner with Sarah, Dave, and Leah one last time.  It was bittersweet.  Sarah has been such an amazing friend throughout this journey, both in China and outside.  I can't believe they leave for Hong Kong tomorrow!  They better give us our guide gift (wink, wink)

Nathan had his first accident today!  I almost had a nervous breakdown!  I was washing my hands (after a poopy diaper) and we has crawling toward me and fell on the marble floor.  He must have bit something in his mouth because he had blood!  He was fine before his mommy was.

Today we went over to Shamian Island again to go shopping.  We bought a few more gifts for folks and got some Christmas presents.  Since Nathan didn’t have a nap (he’s more of a morning napper), he was pretty cranky at the swearing in ceremony. 

To say that the swearing in ceremony is anti-climatic is an understatement.  The Consulate is in some gross low-rise office building.  The Consulate is located on the 5^th floor.  Ron described at as DMV-like.  We literally were the last people called.  We went up to a window, window number 23; the woman checked all 3 of our passports and some of our paperwork and then told us to have a seat again.  After, another woman gave a brief overview of the process to leave China and if and when your child can travel out of the country.  She also told us that 57% of adoptions last year were special needs, and they expect that number to continue to grow.  Then we all raised our right hands and took an oath.  To be quite honest, I wasn’t paying that much attention because Nathan was cranky.  Still, it was nowhere near as moving as the ceremony in Chongqing; I mean not even close.  I think the social security office is more interesting and moving. 

Ron and I are feeling pretty run down and both starting to get a sore throat.  There is serious mold and mildew in this hotel.  We plan on contacting the Marriott and asking for a refund and also letting our agency know that they should stop putting people up here.

Today Nathan woke up with a rash on his hands and feet – yippee!  It seems like yet another reaction to the vaccinations. 

 I went shopping with Sarah, Kim, Chuck, Poppy, and Shiloh for 3 hours.  We went with Ann at the Red Thread; she was well worth the money ($8 an hour per couple).  I don’t know how shopping with the rest of our group would have worked out since it was hard enough shopping with 2 other people (though it was worth it!).  I did some damage at the jade and pearl markets.  They were pretty incredible.  I think we might go back there today.  Ron and Dave had the kids and went to the playground.  After about 2 hours I was missing Nathan. 

Nathan still doesn’t know his name or that I’m mama though he cries for me when he’s cranky and wants to hold my hand when he walks (he still isn’t confident enough to walk alone regularly).  He does know that Ron is baba and how to high five (that’s a useful skill).

We had dinner at the famous Lucy’s.  It wasn’t too bad.  After dinner we all went shopping at Jenny’s.  She did have good prices, and we got some really nice gifts for people though I still really regret not buying more leaf paintings in Chongqing.  To all those RQers reading this…. Remember you will never return from China and say I wish I had NOT bought that, you will only say I wish I HAD. 

I can sum up today in one word: FEVER!  Jia-Guo wasn’t feeling well last night, and I knew he was reacting to the shots.  We had given him Tylenol an hour before the medical appointment, and Kim had given us numbing cream to use at the injection sites (thanks Kim!).  Unfortunately, we only put it on his legs, and he got the shots in both arms and one leg. 

Nathan woke up at 2am crying with a raging fever of 102!  I wanted desperately to wake up Sarah or Kim, but I didn’t.  So we called our pediatrician, emailed our IA doctor, and left a scary voicemail for my mom – sorry, mom!  Gotta love first parent jitters!  Nathan and I spent all day in the room until he finally went out to run around in front of our hotel.  Later we ran the halls (and got some cute video).  Anyway, we have been loading up the Tylenol and trying fluids (thank goodness he likes pedialtye!)  He seems to be doing much better, but he is still pretty cranky.  He is not a fan of water, but we think he would like flavored water since he likes the pedialyte.

I didn’t think I would say this, but I miss Chongqing!  There was a really great town square area only a few blocks from the hotel and there was a supermarket across the street.  It a way to started to feel like a home.  One of our guides there said that Chongqing will be a second home for all of us, and I think he’s right.  Nathan loved the bright lights, and there was many a night when he and I would stand on the roof looking at the lights and construction cranes and listens to the noise.  Our son is a city boy through and through.  It makes me nervous to think he’s going to come home to the sound of crickets – literally.  Guangzhou doesn’t seem to have as much going on and is less “authentic”.  Sure, there probably is awesome shopping, and I am planning on doing some damage tomorrow, but still….. I think we are ready to go HOME!!!!  We are ready to try this parenting thing under more normal circumstances.  Get him into a routine, see the doctors, and get back into life.

I am going to be anxious to leave all of this because Jia-Guo doesn’t know anything else other than China.  I know he’ll be ok because he is so strong.  I am so proud that he is our son - how blessed, how amazing, and yet bittersweet.  Every time Ron says something like Nathan is stubborn just like his mommy (meaning me), I can’t help but think of his first mommy.  And my heart does break for her.  I promise him, and in a way I promise her, every night that I’ll try.  I’ll try to be the best mother I can, to be what he deserves, and to love him unconditional.  As our first week with him draws to a close, it truly has been amazing.  When we met him, he was scared and kept backing away in his walker.  I was just as scared and anxious.  And what an amazing child that is willing to learn with us. 

On a lighter note, some funny/cute stories

I have been singing to Jia-Guo at night.  Yes, Dad, I sang “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot”.  Looks like I need to learn some children’s songs.  Anyway, Ron tonight sang the Two Tigers song, which I made him learn, in Chinese, and Nathan’s face just lit up and he started to laugh!

I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but we have to feed our son his bottle with a spoon!  And he gets three a day!  The good news is that we are getting faster and there is less spillage.  We are down to a 250ml bottle in less than 45 minutes!  Folks say once his palate is repaired this should stop.  I know he knows know to suck because he destroys his pointer finger at night – almost sucks the skin off!

Sarah and I did a little test today.  We put Leah on our bed, and I called her and stuck my arms out.  She didn’t go to me.  Then Sarah did the same, and she went right to Sarah.  Yippee!  I plan on doing the same test, but not until he is feeling better.  To be honest, I’m nervous.

We didn’t post yesterday because we were traveling to Guangzhou.  We just went to the playground at our hotel in Chongqing before leaving for the airport.  Nathan did well on the plane as he slept through most of the plane ride.  He was fine as long as he had food to munch on.  Unfortunately, our flight was delayed for almost 2 hours so we didn’t arrive at our hotel until 11:15 pm.

Today though was the dreaded medical exam.  It was as terrible as everyone said.  It was pouring rain here throughout most of the day.  We were forced to do some paperwork out in the rain.  The Renegades, Sarah, Kim and I, were the only I-800 families out of a bus load of families.  This meant our children had to get multiple vaccinations due to Hague rules.  While the I-600 families were done in ~45 minutes sans shots and had time to walk around or get lunch, we spent over 2.5 hours at the medical facilities.  When it was Nathan’s turn, Ron had to hold him down for 4 shots: 2 in the right arm, 1 in the left arm and 1 in the right leg.  Thank goodness they had run out of one of the vaccinations or Nathan, Leah and Shiloh would have needed an additional shot.  But, guess what?  Whatever bonding that had occurred between Nathan and Ron since Monday was obliterated.  In addition, Nathan lost his appetite and has run a fever.  He wouldn’t eat any Puffs, Cheerio’s or watermelon.  When we went to dinner with the Valliere’s and the Turner’s at the Food Street restaurant in the hotel, Nathan had just 2 pieces of tofu.  I took him back to the room and he had only ½ a bottle of formula.  We just put him to sleep about 1 hour ago and he has been crying in his sleep.  All I can say is we are very angry.

We went to the Chongqing zoo today (without our travel group).  With our travel group, the cost was $100 per family; without the travel group $15 per family – seriously.  Anyway, Sarah’s crew and my crew went together.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t feeling well and Nathan was cranky so we needed to cut things a little short.  Today was the first day I wanted to come home, so we are spending time in the room now trying to be low-key – too much excitement.  Ron just went out to get dinner. 

Anyway, the pandas were worth the trip. There were so many, and they were eating when we came!  They definitely get the star treatment.   We also got to see the hippos out of the water.  The rest of the zoo was a little sad though; definitely not the same standards of care at American zoos.  There were signs everywhere that said don’t feed or tease the animals, and guess what?  There was a lot of feeding and teasing going on.

We also went to the pool today, and our kiddo LOVES the water.  He was even trying to jump in deeper.  He loves to splash and play.  After the pool, I gave him a bath to wash off the chemicals, and we had to fight to get him out of the tub!  I think I need to enroll him in swim classes.    

Tomorrow we get our children’s visas and we fly out to Guangzhou.  Our son is already officially part of our family (in the eyes of the Chinese government), and next week he will become an American citizen!    

UPDATE: So Nathan was cranky all day, and near the end of the night it turned into grieving.  I know we are having an easier time than most, but it is still so hard.  He kept crawling into my arms, but it just wasn't enough yet for him.  So we did his second favorite thing, we walked... and walked...and walked.  First Ron and I walked through the city and then came back too soon.  Then Jia-Guo and I walked outside for a little but I got too many stares without Ron.  So we went up to the roof playground and looked at all the City lights.  It was like he knew it was his last night in Chongqing, and he wanted to take it all in.  I made him a promise tonight on that roof.... that Ron and I would always try our best at being his parents. 

I am again writing this the day after (China time).  Since our son co-sleeps, he won’t go to bed yet unless we are in it too.  I’m sure we’ll figure it out eventually.

Some reflections… I had told Ron a few weeks ago that I wanted to use the Rascal Flatts song Broken Road as part of our video montage of the trip.  For those of you who don’t know the song, the gist of it is that he is grateful for all of his trials and tribulations because only by taking that difficult road would he be lead to the person he loves; “God Bless the broken road that lead me straight to you”.  I had for a long time felt like Ron and I had a difficult, broken road ourselves toward parenthood.  Lots of difficult infertility treatments (both emotionally and physically), a lengthy hospitalization due to infertility where I could have lost my life, celebrating friend after friend’s pregnancy, and we never chose to hide from the hand we were dealt or the life we wanted to lead.  All of these things lead us to our son, and I couldn’t be more grateful.  Yesterday though I realized something, our son has also had a broken road to travel - placed outside the walls of an orphanage at 10 days old because of his cleft lip and palate.  We will probably never know if the person that left him did so with a heavy heart, but I like to think that he or she did and that they hoped he would get the medical care he needed.  We will be forever grateful to the foster family that was willing and able to care for and love our son for the first 17 months of his life.  And yet if all of these things hadn’t happened to our son, he wouldn’t be our son.  Maybe one day (soon perhaps) our son will be grateful for the road he had to travel.  I am also amazed at his bravery and strength (really the bravery of all of these children).  Is it possible to be inspired by a 17 month old child? To go through so much and still be able to love and smile.  I think we are the luckiest parents in the world!

And on a lighter note, lucky for our son that we are getting better at the parenting logistics thing (glad I have Sarah here for technical assistance)!  Because he gets so worked up at the sight of food, I have figured out that I need to send Ron down to breakfast first.  He gets everything prepared then by the time we come down; Jia-Guo can do what he does best, eating!

The highlights of yesterday…. He took 3 unassisted steps yesterday!! He walked from Ron to me (probably because I had the beach ball).  He also reached for me, and not because I had food, just because he wanted me!!  How amazing?!

Because of the rain yesterday, we didn’t go to the zoo with the rest of the travel group.  We, Sarah and crew and my crew, went to the Three Gorges Museum and did some shopping (Mom and Dad, I shipped something to your house for Ron and I.).  Our guide is always petrified when we go out on our own.  I think that she thinks all of the USA is like rural Pennsylvania.  China is way safer then the USA (at least the parts I go to).    

Oh happy day!  I am actually writing this Wednesday morning (China time) instead of Tuesday night (China time) because we all were tired!!  Actually Ron fell asleep before Jia-Guo at 8:30pm; we went to bed closer to 10pm. 

We got to see more of our son’s personality.  He’s opinionated and stubborn, will eat just about anything (and wants to eat whatever anyone else is eating), ticklish, strong as an ox, smart (gets cause and effect so quickly), and of course has the best giggle!  He does cry when he has his clothes taken off; it is so heartbreaking because he is so sad.  His reactions to food are a little unnerving as well, like he is always starving!  At least my mother will finally get a child that eats!Folks here keep telling us that Jia-Guo looks like Ron.  People do come up to you in the street to touch the baby and talk to you. 

We went back to the Civil Affairs office today to officially become a family; it seemed a little like a marriage ceremony (which they also do there).  Jia-Guo was crying, which is uncommon, because he was tired (he really didn’t sleep well the night before); I was crying too.  We were a family officially in the eyes of the Chinese government.  We had to promise to love and care for him and never abuse or abandon him.  They also ask if you are “satisfied” with your child.  I know there are many instances where children have undisclosed needs that are more than a family can handle, but satisfied?!  He’s not a meal or a used car!  If I am being honest, it still doesn’t seem real.  I feel like I am babysitting someone else’s child.  Though we love our little Jia-Guo so much!

We (Sarah, Dave, Leah, and us) went to dinner in a mall food court.  We attracted lots of attention; of course it could have also been caused by the volumes of food that was ending up on the floor.   The joys of self-feeding!

Unfortunately, I don't have any time to write right now because Jia-Guo is still awake and is showing no signs of being tired (but Ron and I are absolutely exhausted because we couldn't sleep last night).  I will try to add more after he goes to sleep but I think we are going to sleep at the same time.

Jia-Guo is an amazing kid!  How lucky we are!  He doesn't walk yet, but if you are holding him he runs.  It's crazy to watch!  And he is fast, Ron is exhausted.  He loves banging on things and loves noises and crowds.  He has been playing with his stacking cups for hours.  He did grieve for a little tonight (about an hour and a half), but overall is doing ok.  It was so heart-breaking to see the sadness in his eyes and to know that there really isn't anything we can do. 

His unrepaired palate is scarcing me.  Tonight he had chicken nuggets for dinner (thank you to Dave for picking up dinner for both of our families!), and about 2 hours later a piece came out of his mouth.  It must have been stuck in his palate, and I am pertified that he can choke. 

We didn't take too many photos today, but we have lots of video.  Unfortunately, we can't upload video from the netbook. 

We have arrived in Chongqing!  It is VERY different than Beijing.  For us, Beijing wasn’t an adjustment at all.  I felt very comfortable there.  It felt like any other major city.  Yes, it has the Great Wall and different traditions and culture, but so do Paris and Munich and London.  Chongqing is much more of a traditional Chinese city.  We drove in and saw these tiny one room stores lining the city streets for literally miles.  But then once you reach downtown there are these super-skyscrapers.  Our hotel – JW Marriott – has over 35 floors; we are on the 26^th.  This city is an example of China’s industrial revolution.  There are about 8 million people in the city, and 24 million in the countryside. 

Our travel group (us plus 3 other families) meet in our hotel room to do paperwork.  It ended up taking us close to 2 hours because we were all missing enough copies of something!  Our guides in provinces are Jessie (from Beijing) and Charlie.  Then everyone went to dinner at this Chinese restaurant where no one spoke English.  Jessie and Charlie helped us order and then left.  It was really nice for all! 

Today was our jam-packed day of touring!  We did the Forbidden City, Tiananmen Square, and a traditional Beijing lunch followed by the Great Wall.  We have a very large travel group – 20 families! 

A little background first…sometimes Chinese people ask to take pictures of/with strangers (because they aren’t used to seeing non-Asian people); this has happened to quite a few folks in the adoption community, especially to those with blonde hair and blue eyes.  I thought I was in the clear; Chuck got asked for his picture yesterday.  Turns out, I was the rock star of our group today.   Check out some of my fan club pictures; too funny.  

It is interesting to hear what the guides had to say about Chairman Mao.  The Forbidden City is beautiful.  I can only imagine what it looked like when it had all of that gilded gold instead of yellow paint!  The City was constructed of wood and no nails or screws.  Unfortunately we didn’t get to see as much as I would have liked because our group was so big.  It was much easier yesterday with just the 5 of us!

The Great Wall was breath-taking, literally and figuratively.   I couldn’t make it passed the first tower.  The stairs were so steep and what made it even worse was some were really high and others really short.  Ron, Sarah, and Dave went all the way up to the 5^th tower!  I was scared of falling.  Sarah told me that the stairs were the worst in the first section-ugh!  I held the backpacks and watching them climb (thanks to Dave’s bright green shirt I could see sometimes)!  Ron took some great video.  I guess that bike riding paid off. 

Tomorrow we fly to Nathan’s province along with 3 other families and our guide Jessie! 

We (Kim – one of my Renegade friends, Chuck – Kim’s hubby, Poppy – Kim’s dad, Ron, and I) went to the Summer Palace today.  It was the Qing emperor’s palace.  We walked the grounds with our guide Lee.  Very beautiful and peaceful (though a little crowded) – nice, mellow activity for the first day of site-seeing.  We saw a dancing and singing exercise; Chuck just jumped right in and joined the dancing!  Then an older Chinese gentleman asked me what country I was from; he said I looked Italian to him not American (I am sure my mother loves this!).  Kim and I narrowly avoided using the squatty potty; the woman that worked in the bathroom directed Kim and I to the one Western toilet – yippee!  We ended the half day trip by riding the dragon boat back.

We (Kim, etc.) got back to the hotel around 1pm, and we meet our guide Jessie there.  I told her that we were going to have lunch at a noodle place.  She was shocked that we weren’t going to just eat at the hotel.  She acted like we were headed out to an opium den that doubled as a brothel; told us to be careful!  Ron didn’t do horribly with his Chinese, and we all really enjoyed the food.

More of the Renegades arrive!  Sarah and her husband Dave arrived this evening.  Kim, Sarah, and I (and our other halves) went to dinner tonight.  It was great finally meeting everyone in person!

In terms of Beijing …. The city itself (to me) isn’t really that different than any other major city.  It’s large, loud, and crowded; it’s fairly unremarkable.  But I’m sure I’ll feel differently tomorrow after the Great Wall and Forbidden City!

It's 8:15pm at night and we are checked into our hotel in Beijing!  That 14 hour flight was NOT fun, and I am not looking forward to doing it with a child!  We stayed up for most of the flight so we could reset our internal clocks.

I can't believe we are really here!  I just keep thinking how nervous and excited we are, and how our poor son is probably just going to be scarced.  How I wish we could take his pain away and make this transition easier.

We are sharing our guide with families from another adoption agency.  One of these families is also traveling to Chongqing with us.  

Tomorrow we head to the Summer Palace.  It's room service for dinner and then off to bed! 

I can't believe we are finally leaving.  If I could sum up how I feel in one word it would be anxious!  After all these years, you'd think I would feel more ready?!  Ron, on the other hand, says he feels calm.  Our plane leaves at 4:50pm and lands in Beijing at 6:20pm tomorrow night.  I have a feeling that the 16 hour plane ride isn't going to be fun.

I will try to update our blog every evening (China time - 12 hours ahead) and post pictures. 

Nathan, here we come!  You are loved by so many and most of all by your Ma and Ba! 

To Sarah, Kim, Marsha, Jean, and Diane (the "Renegades"),

We have shared so much over the last few months.  You all have made the unbareable less of a burden; I owe you all a debt of gratitude that can never be repaid.  Thank you for sharing your kindness, strength, and beauty.

Why are we the Renegades?:  Because we are "Mothers who went out, against the odds to find our children in the midst of uncertainity and with barriers bigger than most, and who succeeded with the grace of God to make it happen on our own" (Kim's words, and no truer words can be written!)

I LOVE YOU GUYS!  Kim and Sarah, I can't wait until we meet in China! 

Our CA (Consulate Appointment) is confirmed, and we leave for China June 16th!  I can't wait to meet Nathan (and Sarah and Kim - lol).  Our forever family day is June 21st (which means it's Father's Day at home)!  We return on July 2nd. 

I feel like this isn't real!  I can't believe that after all these years and all the tears that we are finally going to be parents.  And not only that, but parents to such an awesome kid! 

Could there ever be two better letters than T-A?  Well, I got the call this morning at 11:15am; we have our TA!  I can't stop sobbing happy tears!  I am going to be a MOMMY!!!!  Nathan, here we come! 

Our agency sent our request (and Sarah's and Kim's) for a consulate appointment (CA) for the last week of June.  Please, please, please let our request be granted and be granted tomorrow!