SeaMonkey Adventures - seamonkeyadventures

Quinn is 3 months old! Oh my word, where has the time gone? Is this how the rest of my child’s life is going to be? Blowing by at the seat of my pants? One minute I’m treasuring her precious sleeping sounds and the next I’m dealing with a hormonal teenager?  Or seeing her get married? Having her own baby? Then having her wipe my butt? Oh god…I need this to sloowww down!

She is the sweetest baby, she coo’s, smiles, giggles and is starting to sit up on her own. Thank goodness we were blessed with a pretty calm child because I’m not calm and that would be a wonderful pair! Not! No in all seriousness, she is so good.  I couldn’t have asked for a more wonderful baby. When she was 4-6 weeks old, I was really nervous that we were going to have a colicky baby on our hands because she was pretty fussy throughout the day but she quickly grew out of that phase. I have to give credit to the “Happiest Baby on the Block” book. It really helped me get through some confusing times on what I was doing, and why it wasn’t working. Also relying on Cole for support and taking her off my hands when I knew I wasn’t doing anything but stressing her out too.

Now as she turns 3 months I am having the worst anxiety. Mostly due to my maternity leave running out. The clock is ticking so fast, I have less than 2 weeks before I have to go back to work. Part of me can’t wait for the paycheck and to get back to doing something routine with my days, but all of that washes away when I think about leaving my baby girl with other people for 8+ hours a day. I know every mother goes through this, I do. I’ve had my friends and family tell me about their experiences, but I just keep thinking well it’s my turn and I hate it! As I go stomping my feet out of the other room.

I’m also having anxiety because I’m worried about her growing up and what kind of childhood she is going to have. An absent mom who works while she has talent shows at school? UGH! I want to assume it’s going to be perfect and wonderful and full of parties, events, dance classes, sports, etc. But I also can’t help but think, am I going to push her into something she doesn’t even want to do? Will she start to resent me? Okay, woah…I know slow down a bit.

I keep trying to tell myself, enjoy every little minute of every day now while I still have it but I also know I can’t just sit and stare at her all day. I would have flies surrounding me for lack of showering! Wait they already do! HA!

 Well here’s to Quinn and surviving 3 months! Way to go little girl!

So I’ve been pondering over the last several weeks how much our lives have changed ALREADY since our little SeaMonkey’s arrival.  It’s really a love hate relationship. Shocked? I know. Obviously I love my baby girl. Love, love, love her. Wouldn’t change a thing about her.  There are no words to describe the feeling of having a baby. It’s just not something you can explain. Everyone warned me, told me about this mysterious feeling. I finally get it.

But yes, you did see the word hate in the above paragraph. The hate part comes from the insanity you start to feel after a few weeks of doing the same mundane tasks over and over again. For me, I repeat the same daily tasks, day in and day out with very little moderation. And I’m going on 6 weeks of it. Have you ever heard that saying, doing the same thing over and over again expecting something to change is the definition of insanity? Well that’s me.

Some days I felt like I’ve gone crazy. There is no end to THIS. What’s “this” you ask? “This” is waking up every 3 hours to a crying baby because she needs something from you. So you change her, you feed her, and rock her back to sleep. For 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 4 weeks a month, how many more weeks left this year? You get the point. So my daily tasks are bundled into these little 3 hour chunks. How much can I get done in the 3 hour block before I get to repeat? Okay, so it’s not even a full 3 hours because feeding takes almost 30 minutes and rocking her back to sleep can take anywhere between 15-30 minutes sometimes even an hour depending on her mood. Yes, an infant can be moody. They too have good days and bad days. Trying to get anything done is not easy. Talk about prioritization and needing a to-do list. If I don’t make a list, it throws my whole universe into a time warp. I feel lost, no control, the hours just seep away. And then that’s when the crazy settles in. You’ve been trapped in the house, doing the same thing over and over again. Not sure what to do with yourself before your baby cries for you again. It’s kind of  scary, a very lonely feeling. I start to ask myself, am I ever going to have a life? Am I going to get through this? Is this how the rest of my life will be? Why didn’t anyone prepare me for this? Why wasn’t this in all the baby books?

You know what else wasn’t in the baby books? How to become a walking zombie. Everyone always says that you won’t any sleep with a baby, but I wasn't prepared for becoming a walking zombie. Good thing I don't like eating flesh. I thought this site would bring about a chuckle!  http://bit.ly/1CSP7b. Seriously, I walk about during the day with a pale baggy face; I don’t even recognize myself sometimes. It’s scary walking past a mirror. And I do nothing but mundane tasks. Make the bed, do the dishes, wash the laundry. I find the most simple tasks to complete, because I’m so tired that doing anything stimulating makes me more tired! Wait, who’s the baby here? Sleep deprivation strips you from your sanity too.  Not getting enough sleep is a big deal. You become someone else. You are not normal and can’t handle heightened situations with a normal sense of thinking or clarity. Think how a zombie acts when they get frustrated, that’s me!

Being a mommy also hasn’t been so glamorous. I don’t even consider myself a mommy at this point. This certainly doesn’t feel “mom like”, or less that of a parent. I mean, yes I give her a bath; I brush her hair, make sure she’s fed and has clean clothes on. But that doesn’t feel like a mommy that just feels like child rearing. I just care for a small infant. There is no emotional attachment for her. She just cries when she needs me, nothing special in it. I don’t have that lovely dovey mommy baby bonding feeling that you see in those sappy commercials either. Oh yes, “Motherhood is wonderful!” BS! Those people are the crazy ones! This is not wonderful! It’s hard, it’s painful, and it’s frustrating.  This is why some species eat their babies. Sorry zombie reference again. There are some days I just want to give up. One of my girlfriends put it like this, when we got home and realized she didn’t come with a manual we wanted to send her back. LOL!

If you are reading this, you know now that Facebook is a pretty way to disguise the truth behind what everyone is really going through. You show the good parts and the cute pictures to the masses and only the suspicious people dig deeper by visiting your other sites to find out what’s really going on! Where you hide the dirty stuff or blog about the truth in your life. The truth is, giving birth makes you a mother, but it doesn’t necessarily make you feel like one. The day-to-day (and night-to-night) of parenting is not easy, but it does seem like it will get easier. Everyone says it will anyways, and I look at other friends and family members that came out okay. So certainly we will too, right?

On the bright side of things, she is starting to smile and coo. She is so darn cute in the bath too! You need to check out the Milestones section of this site to read about bath time with Quinn. "The Happiest Baby on the Block" puts it so well. Babies are born a trimester too early.  If we had delayed the birth three more months, the baby would have been born with the ability to smile, coo and flirt. Who wouldn’t want that on their baby’s first day of life?! But a woman’s body is not meant for a fourth trimester. A human baby depends on big smart brains, and big heads mean impossible to squeeze out! So our babies are practically “evicted” from the womb well before they’re fully ready for the world to keep their heads from getting stuck in the birth canal!

Plenty more to come on mommy hood and parenting!

In my last journal entry almost 4 weeks ago, I talked about my due date passing me up and being so disappointed that I was showing no signs of labor and was terrified that as that following Monday rolled around I would be forced into an inducted labor, my baby forced out of the womb. Well, good thing I took matters into my own hands (really it was God's hands answering my fears) because Saturday after all my at home remedies of massage, adjustments, acupuncture, spicy food, herbal teas, relations, LOL, you get the point... the mega contractions started! Can you believe all that hippie stuff worked? I started to feel the crazy intense, like no other mutha, contractions. But now how long was it going to take?

 

Saturday July 23rd, I decided to go have a little bit more fun, anything to keep my mind off of when baby is coming. I went to Potbelly for lunch with my friend Alisha, and oh yes I got the hot peppers! And then we went to get feathers put in our hair. I got pink and turquoise. My theme; Team Girl or Team Boy? I didn't care was just excited to be having fun. After that I went and got my first bikini wax! WOW, TMI huh? Well, I got one of those Groupon deals and hey, what better time than now? Don’t want a jungle while I have an audience! So after feeling fresh, I ventured off to the mall to meet my friend Elisa for a long walk in the air conditioning, to beat the summer heat. We were going on like 30 days of over 100 degrees, one of the hottest summers since like 1980 or something crazy like that. Figures my luck! Cole met us up there and as we were leaving, I had my first “oh what the heck was that moment?” I had a crazy strong contraction, took my breath away, and immobilized me. I knew something was a brewing but kept on. Cole and I went to Bed Bath and Beyond, we were trying to find out what was beyond...and then BAM again. At this point I was like I better get home and rest. I wasn't sure what was happening but knew if something was about to happen I better be in a place. God forbid I be at Bed Bath and Beyond and go into labor!

 

Cole was a good sport, not really understanding what was going on he went to pick up some spicy Thai food for dinner and then went to the herb mart to get me some loose leaf red raspberry tea. Apparently this helps induce labor too.  When he got home around 7:00pm, I could feel the contractions getting closer and closer. I brewed me up some tea, popped open my Thai food and started going to town. Shortly thereafter I couldn't continue with what I was doing (playing on the computer & eating) because the contractions were getting harder and closer together.  I started writing down the times and the length of each one because all the medical professionals say don't come to the hospital until your water breaks or your contractions are 5 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute long, and are consistent for an hour. So as I started writing the times down, and seeing them go from 10 minutes apart, to 8, to 6 and now 5...I frantically started packing up some of the remainder of my hospital items and Cole looked at me like, what are you doing? I said, “ I'm getting the rest of our stuff together.” And he then said, “Why?” “Have you not seen what I've been going through for the last several hours? It's time baby!” He flat out said, "No it's not, you're not in labor". I was about to get really ticked, because I just endured about 3 hours of some really intense pain and it wasn't slowing down and he thought I was faking it! Or just thought that it wasn't really time. I just gave him the evil stare and said, “You have no idea, just pretend I am going into labor and help me out.”  As I continued to pack my things and bring my stuff into the front room to be packed in the car I kept wondering is this really it? How much longer is this going to be? When should I go to the hospital, when should I call the doctor? I just tried to concentrate on one thing at a time and not get overwhelmed because the pain can overtake you. I hopped in the shower because I wasn't sure the next time I'd get one, tried to dry my hair and told Cole to pack up the car that we'd be leaving soon. He's still looking at me like I'm crazy, but whatever, he did what I told him. What was funny is that he walked me through just about every contraction as they started getting more and more intense and he still didn't believe it was time. We finally laid down around midnight to see if I could just rest through the pain, and he said wake me up when you're ready to go to the hospital. As if I could sleep with my contractions 5 minutes apart. Around 1:00 AM I woke Cole up and said, it's time. I called the Doctor; he said why don't you go ahead and go to the hospital so we can rule out labor. He too didn't believe it was time. Why would he, I mean I was just in his office 2 days ago, showing NO signs of my body preparing itself for labor. I was like, these people are crazy! Why don't they believe me?

 

Cole and I finally got in the car, after looking around the house a few more times and pacing, "Do I have everything?" Like I was going to my own funeral or something. I wanted to make sure everything I loved during my pregnancy was with me. Strangest thing. I had spent all the time cleaning, organizing, preparing my home, just to want to bring it all with me to the hospital. I had 8 bags. YUP. I swear 8. I could go through each of them for you but I'll save you! It was a bit much looking back now, but I just didn't know how long I was going to have to be there.

 
As we were driving the contractions were getting way worse! Umm, all you ladies out there who had to drive to the hospital during your contractions, HOLLA! Every bump, every red light, every sharp turn. HOLY COW just put me on a magic carpet ride already and get me there! We finally arrived to the hospital at 2:00 AM, AFTER stopping to get gas, thanks Cole. Got signed in and into the labor & delivery room. The nurse came in and “checked me”. She says, yup you are in labor. You have dilated to 5 centimeters and was 90% effaced. HOLY SHAT! WHAT? I just labored for 5 hours at home, on my own, no pain killers, and I'm at 5 centimeters? Cole felt so bad! He said, "I can't believe I made you wait that long before bringing you to the hospital". Yah, believe me now sucker?! The nurse said, in about 5 hours your baby will be here. Sent chills down my spine. We sent out the mass family text at 3:00 AM – “Baby is coming!” Should be here by 7:30 AM! Prepare yourselves! What we meant was, Prepare ourselves!

 

The remainder of the labor went pretty fast, it was like a blur really. So surreal. I just tried to get through each half hour the best I could. Each contraction was getting worse and worse. I tried distracting myself by getting up to go pee, to look at my phone, yell at Cole...anything to make the moments disappear. Cole was such a great coach, and I'm so proud of him that he dealt with my crazy self not only through the entire pregnancy but now this. I was freaked out. I was calm. It was in the worst pain of my life, but then I was the most excited I'd ever been. I kept thinking, I can feel you kicking inside my tummy right now. You know something’s about to go down. And I'm finally about to see those big feet that keep jabbing me, in just a few short hours.

 

When I got to 7 centimeters, I was going through the most intense part of my labor. I was getting exhausted. I was so thirsty. And the damn ice chips were lame! I wanted Gatorade, water, a P90X Results and Recovery drink! I asked the nurse for something to take the edge off.  I didn't want an epidural. I was doing this naturally and I was sticking to that plan for the time being. I had already made it this far. I knew I could do it. She gave me half a dose of Nubian, which is like 2 Advil compared to vicodin or hydrocodone. Takes the edge off but you still feel everything. Yah that wore off in about an hour! As I got to 9 centimeters I asked for another half a dose of Nubian and the nurse said, “I’m sorry hun, it’s too late. The baby will come out too drowsy if we give it to you. Baby may fall asleep and not come out and we don't want that.” NO, WE DON'T WANT THAT! So I sucked it up. Here goes nothing.

 

When Doctor Leveno got to the hospital, he finally said, Melinda, your water still hasn't broken. I was approaching 10 centimeters and push time and my water still had not broke. He said we can wait if you want to see if it breaks naturally but it's just going to delay your labor. I told him I wanted to wait about 30 more minutes. What was 30 more minutes? It would break eventually and the baby wasn't in any harm. So he left the room and went out to the hall to do paperwork. PAPERWORK? I’m having a baby, why are leaving the room? LOL So 20 minutes went by, and I felt the need to push. Yes push. Push like you have to go poop. Sorry, again TMI. But that's how it feels. I started crying in pain because I had to go poop! I was like, no seriously, I have to go. You have to let me get up and go! The nurses said, no you can't. You're ready to push now, but let’s get Dr. Leveno. So Doctor Leveno and I agreed, let's break the water. It's time to get this baby out. By now the pain was so intense I was ready to be done. Literally screamed out, “I don't want to do this anymore.” But oh no.  That wasn't even the worse part, here comes the pushing! Try pushing out a softball size head, maybe bigger, with no numbing, no meds, nothing. But there was nothing I could do. I had to do this...it was time. It all boiled down to this moment.

 
Every 30 seconds, another contraction, my legs high in the air. My husband pulling one leg, my mom pulling the other. And my doctor with with his face right where....I'll leave that there. I just remember this light shining in through the blinds, literally blinding me. I wasn't sure if I was going to heaven or if someone had a spot light shining down on me. Oh wait, yes I remember now. The hospital spot light! Shines right down on all your glory! I dropped just about every F Bomb you have ever heard that morning. Sunday morning in the presence of strangers, my mom, my Doctor, and God I was screaming, “I can't do this. PLEASE STOP!.” But then Cole started doing a little dance, cheering me on because he could see the baby’s head. He goes, "Your almost there, Babe." I yelled back at him, "NO I'm not!" I could tell we weren't even half way done! Somehow I kept on. And finally I felt a release, the head was out.

 

Then I just hear silence for what seemed like minutes. Doctor Leveno says, soft push now Melinda. We're almost there. I knew the rest of the baby’s body was finding its way out. But I didn't hear a cry, silence again. I tried to sit up and look down trying to see if I could see something, anything. What was going on? When I looked up as Doctor Leveno's face, I saw he was holding the baby, purple and all, and he turns baby SeaMonkey around and says, "It's a Girl". Those three magically words I had been waiting 10 long enduring months to hear. And then the cry! They laid her down on me, I looked up at Cole, he was crying hysterically. I just started the silent cry. You know the one where you're shaking but nothing is coming out? The adrenaline from the pain and the anticipation, it was all a dream, right?

 
I kissed her head, held her close and said, “We did it. My baby girl is here.”

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39 weeks pregnant, and Baby SeaMonkey is showing no signs of coming out. I thought surely by now I was going to be holding a sweet lil' bebe. Every girlfriend, friend of a friend, cousin I know has already had their baby, and they ALL came early. Every single one of them. In the eyes of my friend in California, Courtney, we have a 5 stage clinger on our hands. Courtney, is the only girlfriend I have left that is holding out with me. We are having the same scenario literally, just 2,000 miles away. 39 weeks pregnant, no progression of early labor, nuthin! Just waiting, day by day by day. Even stalking people on Facebook.  I'm starting to even wonder if the baby is even moving anymore because there is no room! Not only am I anxious but now I'm full on paranoid. What if I have to go 2 whole more weeks until the doctor induces labor? Induces labor? That just seems so foreign and unnatural to me.  I know women do it all the time. I just really don't want to have my labor induced. There is just something about it that freaks me out. Having contractions come on really strong, racing through the labor process to only have to have a c-section, or even the fact that what if the baby just plain isn't ready? Will I feel like a horrible mom later every time the baby gets sick? WOW, shut off your mind already! Who cares, just have the baby already!

 

So to take my mind off the no doubt crazy thoughts, I've been making Cole go with me on little shopping spurts.  I thought not finding the gender of the baby would be soooo much fun, and don't get me wrong it has been, but these last few weeks are killing me! The anticipation is unbearable at times. I just keep reminding myself, any day now, any day; we'll find out Boy or Girl. I thought in the beginning, oh we'll just go with whites or natural colors until the birth date and then I can go shopping. Well missy here is in nesting mode. I do not want to bring my baby home from the hospital in all white. I want a going home outfit! Does it really matter what the baby comes home in? Well after much thought, I agreed with myself that yes, it does matter. It will be a very memorable day and I want pics of my newborn in gender specific clothes. SO we went shopping!  We each picked out a few outfits. Cole is ALL boy. I'm pretty much ALL girl. We're both going to be pretty ticked off when the other one wins. We're pretty competitive like that. HAHAHAHA, j/k we don't care either way but you can tell we want one of each!

Speaking of nesting, I’ve pretty much cleaned the house 100 times. Picked up everything, re-arranged it, put it back. Finally just had a cleaning crew come and help me get the nitty gritty. Worth it, so I didn't have to break my back cleaning Cole's toilet. I know, TMI. But seriously... I've been looking for projects to do, keep myself out of buying mode and out of crazy thought land. Reading books has helped, although every time I finally relax enough to read a book I fall asleep. Every time I fall asleep I wake up 4 hours later uncomfortable, and back to the cycle again. So I thought maybe tonight writing a bit would keep me occupied!

We're ready, I mean everything is ready at the house for sure. I'm not sure either of us is truly ready to experience what we're about to experience. We have just been taking these past couple of days as the quite before the storm as they call it. It's been too quiet though. Cole and I haven't even had one disagreement. Weird, cause we can't even decide on where to go eat let alone what the rest of our life is going to be like as parents! We've been going swimming, working on social media together, we went and saw 2 movies this past week, and shopping!  Maybe we're both relying on each other cause we're scared to death! LOL, well put.

I was really hoping the full moon would bring on something, but still no new signs! I've been having minor contractions, or warm up contractions.  But nothing else...just go ahead and hang in there baby SeaMonkey!

And as Baby watch continues...

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8/21/2011 3:40:20 PM - glendakgold@...
Omg... so cute!!  Hope you are finding time to sleep!  :)