It has been six months now since I miscarried baby #4, my angel. I don't believe I'll ever be able to forget that horrible day in my life. It is still unbelievably fresh & raw, as if it happened only moments ago. Time has made the hurt somewhat easier to deal with. But on a day like today, especially at the 6 month mark, when 2 of my other girls are running fever, have ear & stomach pain, vomiting & coughing....I really do still wish I'd had the chance to meet him/her, even if it would have only been one second....I can say "I love you!" that quick. I hate cleaning up vomit, but I would have done it for my angel, too....GLADLY. My heart feels like it is shattered into a million pieces, yet I still find the strength to face each & every day. I want those million pieces to be put back together again, but as long as I'm here on this earth I will always have that 'empty' feeling because now our family is & always will be 'incomplete.' I don't know how I'd survive without my rock, my husband, who helps me more than I deserve with the girls & hugs me tight when I need to cry. My mother, God love her, helped me out with the house & kids for awhile, for that I am grateful. If I didn't have God to cry out to, there is no way I could have picked myself back up so soon after they put my baby into a cup, put a lid on it & whisked him/her away....to be the wife & mother I should be. My Aunt Beverly gave me a small piece of paper from a stranger when I was about to leave for New Orleans to deal with Maddy's 1st open heart surgery, it said, 'Tough times do not last, tough people do.' I still have that piece of paper & I've never forgotten the quote, either. I remember it the most when people say things like, "You'll get over it." or "Everything happens for a reason." I know they mean well, but to me it just sounds all wrong. I don't want there to be a reason for me not to have that baby with me right now. I would have given birth sometime around late May or early June. It takes everything I have to hold myself together right now when I see a hugely pregnant woman near her "D-day." But only others who have miscarried would understand that.
I can't say that I'm stronger after losing a baby I would have loved so dearly, but life goes on whether we want it to or not. I still put a smile on my face & love my family with every fiber of my being, I'm still strong enough for that & they are absolutely worth it. We don't talk about it, because everyone else seems to be uncomfortable with the subject. But I'm okay with that, I choose to be, have to be. It's in my head everyday, whether it is spoken of or not, always there, never gone. I hope that someday I can come up with a name, it's been difficult, not knowing the sex. I think that might be the hardest part of it all, and, of course, never meeting him/her. One of my greatest joys of pregnancy has always been the 'guessing game'....who the baby will look like, hair color, eye color. This time, I'll never know.
To my dear angel: When you left me, you already had eyes, hands, & a beating heart, you were a 'little person'. You were real, you just left too soon. It was fall time then, almost Thanksgiving. I keep a little area of my kitchen decorated with fall colors, just for you, a little reminder, I guess. Citrine is the birthstone color for November, a deep yellow, so I'm letting our family page be 'yellow' for awhile. I bought you an ornament & hung it on our tree at Christmas time, It is a child on it's knees holding a 'blankie'. It is gold & has My Little Angel written on it & the year of your passing. I promise to hang it every year, & try not to fall apart while doing so, wishing you were here to celebrate the birth of Jesus with your Daddy, sisters & me. I wish I could imagine a sweet little giggle you would do when hearing your big silly sisters sing the Hippo & Alvin & the Chipmunks christmas songs. Neveah could make you smile just by looking at her, she always has a cute little grin to share. Although I never had the privilege to hold you in my arms, I will always imagine you as a little angel, playing with little lambs, swinging in heaven on a playground our earthly children could never dream of, holding the hand of our Saviour, waiting for me....until then....your Mommy loves you.