October 15th
Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
I found this out reading a friend's blog. It made me stop and remember my lost one. My forever baby. The one holding my Dad's hand. My Violet's little twin.
I know that for many, it is hard to understand how I can continue to feel such loss when I still HAD a baby.... but I had 2. I will always have 2. My Bonnie Grace will forever be a part of me.
I love you little one. We miss you.
Favorite Things
Just a few minutes tonight, so I will do bullet points as that makes it fast -- and is fun for scrapbooking!
8 of My Favorite Things about Violet Today:
1. How you love to "talk" to us now and tell us all about your day!
2. The "grabby" hand while nursing.
3. How you "flirt" by turning away as soon as you smile at someone. This morning, Daddy was holding you and every time you turned away, he turned around so you were facing me again....then you would smile and turn away again and he would turn back. We did that for about 5 minutes!
4. The way you are sooooo happy when both of your parents are present - and you'ill dart your eyes back and forth between the 2 of us as if to keep an eye on us and make sure neither one tries to sneak away.
5. How surprised you are every time you happy scream! You can't believe that sound is you!
6. The gulppy sighing sound you make with every swallow while eating when you're really hungry.
7. All of the stretching that follows waking up.
8. The forehead wrinkles.
Sneaky, sneaky...
You mastered two new skills today: 1) waiting for your parents to both leave the room to do something exciting and 2) rolling over! After getting you dressed this morning I set you down on a blanket in the living room so that I could run to the bathroom quickly. Daddy was making breakfast in the kitchen, so I figured that you would be ok for a few seconds. I set you on your belly and ran to the bathroom. You were happy and quiet when I left you, but just a minute later you screamed and started crying. I quickly finished drying my hands and ran out to find you.......FLAILING AROUND ON YOUR BACK! I yelled for your daddy “Do you see how she's laying, I left her on her stomach!” We thought about blaming the whole incident on Zoe getting jealous and coming to flip you over, but figured that we're just going to have to keep a closer eye on you to catch you in the act of completing your next developmental milestone!
Scrapbook Journaling
Since I haven't had - nor WILL have -- any time to scrapbook recently, I decided to start typing and saving the journaling that I want to put into Violet's Baby Book. For me, pictures are only half of the importance of creating a scrapbook; preserving the stories is just as important! I thought that I'd share tonight's journaled thoughts with you...
I Can Make You Smile.
We got to see your first “external” smile on Palm Sunday. You had smiled before when something felt good – when your tummy was getting full while nursing or when you stretched – but had never seen you smile because something “outside” you made you happy. You and I had come home from church and were in your room getting a clean diaper. You'd had a really rough morning, being fussy and screaming in the car seat, and I think that we were both feeling a little worn out. I'd just picked you up from the changing table and we were standing in the middle of the room when Daddy got home. You hadn't seen him all day since he left for church before you woke up and he played in the band during service. He came back into your room and leaned over my shoulder to say 'hi' to you and gave you his finger to hold. It took you a minute to re-focus your eyes from me to him, but as he kept repeating “Hi, hi Violet, hi” you saw him.....and then it happened! A smile came over your face!!! And when you smiled, your eyes lit up in a way we had never seen with your other smiles. To us, it was like this little baby we loved so much had opened up and we could see your big personality and all of your love for us come pouring out. We spent the whole rest of the day saying 'hi' to you over and over – and were rewarded with many smiles in return as you practiced and saw how we smiled and laughed so much in return for each little smile you gave us.
I've got hands!
Yesterday (May4th) you found out that you have hands! You were so funny about it. Throughout the day, you kept looking at your tiny right fist until you would go cross-eyed. You'd stare and stare at that fist, holding it your full arm's length away. Then, when it was time for your bath, you learned that you had hands (well hand, really – you only seem to notice the right at this point) and that said hands could fit in your mouth! Usually bath time is a time when you love to interact with us; you smile and laugh, you watch our faces and make your own funny faces. Well not last night. You were too focused on that hand! For the entire 20 minutes you were in the tub you would stare at your fist and then put it in your mouth....and then pull it out and stare and it and then put it back! Then at the end of the bath time, you also learned that if you opened your fist in your mouth, your fingers would tickle your tongue. You kept opening up your hand and then would make this funny face when the fingers would trace across your tongue. I kept laughing at you – which would usually have gotten your attention – but you were so intent on that hand, I don't think that you even knew that I was there.
Tub Time
Now that you take baths with your little tub filled with water, sitting in the big tub, you act like a little old man during bath time! You like to scoot down in the tub so that your shoulders are submerged – which always scares me because then water gets into your mouth. I pull you back up the sling and then you get this grumpy look on your face and scoot right back down again! You hang your feet over the side of the sling so that your legs go deeper in the water, fling your arms wide open and plunged back in the water and dig your chin into your chest. But then you start to smile and interact with us and you don't look so grumpy old man-ish anymore. The worst part of bath time is taking you out, because you always cry when the bath is over and we take you out of the water! I guess that you just love bath time.
2 Months Old!
On Tuesday, April 28th, Violet officially became 2 months old! And with that milestone, came all of the rights and privileges...or should I say torture...of the age. We took her to the pediatrician for her 2-month physical. The good news: our girl is long and skinny! 23 inches and 10 lbs 4oz. The bad news: our pediatrician wasn't willing to discuss an alternative vaccination schedule and promptly "fired" us when he heard that we weren't interested in strictly following the schedule set forth by the CDC.
The whole vaccination thing has been the first really big "parent" thing that we have faced so far. I mean, I've felt like Violet's Mommy, but haven't really felt like a "PARENT" until this. The topic is so controversial and it is so difficult to find unbiased information about what a vaccination actually is, how it protects, how it is made and what the risks are. Robbie and I did HOURS of research and actually felt like we went into the appointment with a reasonable expectation of what vaxes we wanted Violet to get when and why. I felt like we were able to articulate our opinions and reasons well and were able to attempt a civilized conversation with the doctor, even after he got really defensive. Those of you who know me well, know that keeping my cool and not becoming defensive in return are NOT my strong suit. And then, worst of all, was seeing the look of horror and fright on my baby's face when that needle bit into her skin. For us this was a powerful lesson in knowing what the choices are that we are making and doing what we believe is best for our child -- despite social pressures or her own desires. We were no longer playing house, but being real parents in the real world.
I've thought alot since last week about how God acts as my parent... I have some things coming up in the near future (namely returning to word) that I REALLY don't want to do. We have prayed as a family and continue to investigate alternatives, but to date it does appear that there will be no choice, but "hi-ho, hi-ho back to work I go." I have to believe that until/if God opens other opportunities for us, He believes that our current plan of working Mommy, stay-at-home Daddy is the best for us. I saw the pain on Violet's face during that shot, and it stabbed my heart......but we'll have to go through it again in order to keep her safe. God sees my pain and sadness, but He knows what is best for me and my family, and will allow me some distress now in order to keep us safe and well. Now I just have to start believing that in my heart as well as I am able to say it with my mouth (or type it with my fingers).